Dear A&E, 

I come from quite a ‘conservative at Christmas’ family, where we give one meaningful gift, but Christmas at my in-laws’ is a present-fest: they spend a fortune on my children. 

It’s causing friction at home, because I think my in-laws should tone it down. My husband disagrees and says it’s nice – with the implication that my parents (and I) are tight. I don’t want to be a Scrooge, but I also find the excess distasteful. 

– Pained

Dear Pained, 

Christmas makes people crazy. It just does. From the frenzied, debt-inducing present buying to the (not) sleeping on hastily assembled ancient camp beds – Emilie’s in-laws have one that might well be from the First World War. Plus ça change.

Our regular anxiety morphs into our shiny festive anxiety… Where are we going to put everyone? What are we going to get them? What are we going to feed them? How long are they going to stay? You get the picture. And it’s happening to you right now, too.

So here’s the deal, Pained. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and everyone is entitled to their Christmas. Judging the way someone spends their Christmas is like judging how someone spends their Sunday: it’s nobody’s business. When it comes to your in-laws, pick your battles. And, if at all possible, do not start a battle about Christmas.

Sure, if you feel really strongly, you can make a fuss, but everyone will lose on this holly-strewn battlefield. This time of year is central to a family’s DNA, full of tiny individual traditions ranging from when presents are opened to how you do the roast potatoes to whether or not you’ll all be watching the Queen’s speech. 

It’s the little things that have been passed down through the years, tweaked and perfected until they are firmly bedded in. You are clearly protective of your parents’ Christmas – and of your parents – and your in-laws will be protective of their Christmas. If you charge in with your ‘meaningful consumption’ conversation, we don’t feel it will go well.

Emilie’s family recently developed a Secret Santa situation for the adults – decided when there was a unanimous decision that IT WAS ALL TOO MUCH. But, equally, she knows of a frantic friend who suggested to her mother-in-law that they do a Secret Santa one year. 

She was met with a cool gaze and an equally chilly reply: ‘Are you telling me I can’t buy presents for my grandchildren?’ Go in worthiness blazing and the subject of presents will glow like a burning beacon of resentment all year round.

Incidentally, we do understand the desire to control the tsunami of stuff. If you’re worried about how your children will receive all this abundance, think of it like this – they will have the advantage of seeing it both ways. Also, you are not totally disempowered, Pained. 

You can say to your in-laws something along the lines of: ‘You are always so wonderfully generous, would it be helpful if I made some suggestions so that the children get things they will really use? Obviously feel free to ignore them.’ Give them a list of presents with purpose; harness their generosity to give worthwhile things that will add to your children’s lives, instead of endless plastic and nonsense.

And if you feel somehow you need to offset the excess, then grab your children and volunteer somewhere. Show them how rewarding it can be to do good things. Offer them a counter-proposal to the commercial onslaught and enrich their experience of this most beautiful and yet brutal time of the year.

There is already so much to do at Christmas, Pained. So much to think about. So much potential for hurt and misunderstanding. Don’t – for your sake, and your husband’s – try to control everything. 

Your intentions may be golden, but controlling people are not happy people. You might suddenly find that you are the daughter-in-law who stole Christmas. And no one wants that part in the nativity.

More from the Midults: 

What readers advised in response to last week’s problem: ‘My girlfriend talks dirty to me in German and I hate it’

@SmileyFogg: ‘Sounds as if she’s been watching too much porn. From all the blather about boys behaving towards girls as if they are in a porn film, I understand that the porn producers think it titillates the viewers to see the woman talk dirty. I did once see that in an American porn movie years ago, but never imagined that any woman would actually do that.’ 

@DavidBallantyne: ‘German is a wonderful language for talking dirty. What’s not to like, Awkward?’ 

@George Faulkner: ‘Er, take some German lessons! Mind you, the phrases might not be covered in year one…two….or three of a German language course.’