Dear Richard,
I was divorced some 10 years ago; my ex-wife and I have both subsequently settled down with new partners.
My sons from the marriage, who are now in their thirties, never dealt with their parents’ estrangement at the time. My relationship with them was strained at the time of the separation, and is now non-existent. This was and remains painful to me, as I had been a very hands-on dad when they were growing up. However, as things stand they barely acknowledge my existence and have never spoken to my second wife. Meanwhile they see a lot of their mother and her new husband. I fear they took sides at the time our relationship broke down and blame me for the divorce, whereas in fact it was a mutual decision.
I feel this problem is going to get worse over time, but I don’t know how to address it. My friends are no help – their advice is conflicting, and when they talk about how great things are between them and their kids, it just makes me feel worse. Can you advise me?
– B, Stratford-on-Avon
Dear B,
A You are looking at this from the wrong end of the telescope. Why assume that the situation will “only get worse” over time? Why not better? Never, ever underestimate the power of positivity, B.
What I want you to do now is adopt an unashamedly, unremittingly optimistic mindset towards your future relationship with your boys. The possibility of failure does not interest you, because it does not exist. You. Are. Going. To. Fix. This.
You ask for my advice, so here it is. Use the language of love. It’s the most powerful tool at your disposal, B. Write to your sons and tell them how much you love them, have always loved them, and will always love them. Tell them you completely understand their hurt and sense of betrayal over their parents’ divorce 10 years ago, but explain that things were perhaps a little more complicated than they might have realised at the time.
I would also suggest writing separately to their mother, asking her if she might quietly intervene and play peacemaker. I’m guessing from your letter that neither of your boys has children of their own, but assuming one day they do, a loving, supportive grandfather is a wonderful asset to have. I’m sure your ex-wife will appreciate that.
In all of this, be gentle, forbearing and completely non-judgemental. Set no deadlines or conditions. That way you can make further approaches if the first are rejected or ignored. They probably will be, so you are going to have to be patient, persistent and positive, B.
