Harry and Meghan should follow the Caines when it comes to downsizing

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The easiest way to spot a Celebrity Clown, or at least one of the ways, is they live in a 16-bathroom house, and there are two of them and two under five (see the Sussexes). As you know – but let’s put it out there one more time because it never ceases to make us boggle – Harry and Meghan’s Montecito residence has seven more bathrooms than it has bedrooms. That is nine en-suites, plus another strategically placed seven conveniences. It always was an insane number of bathrooms but now California is in the middle of a drought, water restrictions are in place, and the madness of this sort of empty-room living is looking more clownish than ever.

Let’s just pause to think about those redundant rooms for a moment. At a guess, no more than four bathrooms are in regular use, and that’s including the nanny’s. Even if the Sussexes have six people to stay overnight every so often (bet they don’t, all their friends live in Montecito), that’s still five permanently unused en suites, not counting the guest house. And how would you know when the remoter outlying bathrooms (say the one in the corridor leading to the home cinema) are used, if they ever are? Given that these people are hygiene obsessives and control freaks (why else in God’s name would they have so many bathrooms?), they must have a system in place.

Do you have to flip a sign on the door if you do use a bathroom so that the cleaning staff know where to go, or are they discreetly numbered so you can text from the relevant bathroom: “I have made use of bathroom 15, Tuesday 9.45am. Thank you”? Do they perhaps have a designated toilet supervisor who checks all the loos twice a day – like in a motorway service station – and then ticks a chart on the wall, or do you have to ring a bell for service, like the emergency cord in a hospital? Perhaps Harry and Meghan have allocated “privacy toilets” at opposite ends of the house (bathrooms 10 and 16) for those days when using the en suite would be antisocial, or perhaps the system is they don’t use their en suite at all, to avoid contaminating the intimacy area? Maybe, come to think of it, on those occasions when they have overnight guests (never, let’s face it), the guests are allocated their own lavatory – separate from the en suite. One each.

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