Rod Stewart was in the news again last week, this time sharing his experience of the menopause. According to Rod, Penny Lancaster’s mood swings left him so worried and at a loss as to how to help that he’s now convinced men need properly educating on the subject.

This is a bit of a breakthrough moment. Up to this point, the menopause has been filed under mysterious woman behaviour, and men’s strategy for getting through it has been the standard one: keep your head down, don’t look her in the eye, don’t leave stuff in the sink and if necessary pretend to be asleep.

So, three cheers for Rod admitting that finding out what’s going on might work better, and another one for opening the book on All The Things Men Need Educating About. Scratching the surface here, but we’ve only got so much space…

1. Flash fights

Most of the time we’re not picking a fight because we are actually annoyed about The Thing. We are picking a fight because we are tired, we have had two glasses of white wine on an empty stomach and… that’s pretty much it. A lot of arguments could be avoided if you could only surreptitiously empty the wine bottle and get us to go to bed. (On no account suggest an early night, mind you.)

2. We want to be good at everything

In the (very unlikely) event that we got assistance decorating our house, it’s better if you don’t advertise this. Same with cooking. Same with the garden improvements. We’re not going to lie, but if you tell everyone it wasn’t us that will feel like a betrayal.

3. Marriage comparing

If the Whatsits are particularly loved-up and he’s just taken her on a surprise mini-break to Paris, it’s possible you may be in for a chilly few days.

4. Why we cry

We like a cry: don’t panic – but don’t ignore it either. Be concerned. Find out what’s going on. If we’ve just watched the alien John Lewis ad and it’s made us sob (not dissimilar to the ending of ET, after all), then we expect a hug and some low-level acknowledgement that it may have something to do with the dog dying this time last year, the children leaving home, and losing our favourite earrings. A hug will do it.

5. Fitter-than-us women

We know our good friend Catherine looks amazing for her age, etc etc, but when it comes to that stuff, it’s always better to let us do the raving and agree, eventually, in a non-committal sort of way.

6. We get jealous of odd things

Two affectionate teenagers telling their mother to put her feet up while they wash the dishes, for example. When the Whatsits got remarried, we were a bit jealous. It doesn’t mean we wished we’d got married in a field, we just regret not being able to live all the lifestyles. So don’t take it personally.

7. Classic triggers

“Ruined suppers” caused by us screwing up is probably top of the list of reasons for rage. Next on the list is thinking we had something to wear, getting dressed and realising we look like Linda Tripp in Impeachment. The third trigger is discovering that the one thing we weren’t in charge of has not been done. There are plenty of others (standing on the brand new scales in someone else’s house), but those are the universal triggers. No foolproof strategy for this. Just do not deny our pain.

8. The ageing thing

Most of the time, we’re fine about it, but now and then we’ll see a picture of ourselves in shorts, 30 years ago, or clock Emma Thompson dancing at An Audience With Adele and think: “Yep. Be warned. Could be you after a Nespresso martini…” Sometimes we feel a pang of regret for not having gone more Blondie when we could, and that might manifest itself as crossness with you for not being in a band. Sorry.