Dear Moral Money,

My parents recently told me they are giving the family home to my feckless brother, who keeps finding new reasons to take money from them. 

I’m utterly appalled at his behaviour and I can’t stand by anymore. He’s always been a scrounger and taken whatever he can get. In the past couple of years he’s repeatedly asked them for money when he was between jobs. 

He even asked for money from my parents to “help with the children” and my parents gave him £6,000. Every time he spends it irresponsibly on the latest iPhone or TV. My parents don’t seem to realise the money they give him goes on such luxuries. 

I’ve worked really hard to build a good life for my family so it’s frustrating to watch. I’ve never asked my parents for anything and I’ve always been the first to go and help Mum and Dad. My brother didn’t even lift a finger when Dad was ill. 

But for some reason they’ve decided to give him our old family home because they want to downsize. They’ve paid off the mortgage and have told him they would sell it to him for next to nothing so that he has a good base for his family. He has been living in a tiny maisonette for years so this will be a big upgrade.

They told me he needed it more than me and that I was doing just fine on my own. They always say I’m the responsible one who is more successful. It feels so unfair and I’m miserable about the idea that his wife and kids will call my old family home theirs from now on. 

I know it’s my parents’ money and they should do as they wish but it’s broken me. Mum gets very defensive of him and protects him as soon as anyone says a bad word. 

Should I give it another go and tell them what I’m thinking or am I being a 42-year-old spoiled brat?

KAR, via email

Sibling rivalry never quite goes away, even late into adulthood. Family finances are always a touchy subject and can be upsetting if done wrong. 

You are right when you say it is your parents’ house and money so they have the final say on who it goes to. They have every right to do what they want with it, they could give it all away to charity. But when it comes to passing the money down to their children, it’s not quite as simple as that. 

Most people reading your email will agree that children should be treated equally and it is only fair to gift them the same amount of money. 

Inheritance isn’t a means-tested system after all, you don’t receive less money the worse off you are among your siblings. Yet this is how your parents have approached it.

It is understandable they want to help your brother – their son – as much as possible. In this case they have decided to help move him and his family into a better property as they no longer need it. It sounds as though it will improve his quality of life.

You mentioned that he would still have to buy the house from them, though at a heavy discount. You don’t seem to have any more details than this but there’s no harm in asking your parents. If they are selling the property below market value rather than gifting it outright then they have to follow the standard procedure of a house sale. 

Independent solicitors must be appointed, protocol forms must be filled out and exchange and completion of the transaction must be done. 

However, if they gifted the house then there are even more tax savings, with no inheritance tax due at all so long as your parents live another seven years. They could transfer the property into both of your names so that you each own half of it. You could then let your brother live there in the meantime or charge him a small amount of rent if you wanted.

The first step is to have a serious conversation with your parents. These are family matters and you have a right to ask about exactly what the terms are. Be honest and open, explain to them that you feel left out and that you are concerned that you are being treated unfairly. You have children of your own after all and an inheritance would also go towards improving their lives. 

Then again, they might have it all planned out. There is a chance that they plan to give you their remaining pensions and life savings as an inheritance. You won’t know until you raise it and make them realise that you would appreciate their help too.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments section below and by emailing moralmoney@telegraph.co.uk.

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