Assisting the PM in his prognostications was Chris Whitty, the Chief Medical Officer, who brought his usual undertaker’s charm to proceedings. On this day, however, the charts of doom (falling hospital admissions, data from much less vaccinated countries) didn’t feel quite terrifying enough to strike fear into the hearts of men. 

“How can you stand at that lectern exactly where some of your team laughed and joked about Covid-19 rules … and tell people they must now follow your new instructions?” demanded the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg. 

Allegra Stratton – valued colleague or departed can-carrier?

The Prime Minister retaliated in Just A Minute style – filibustering her question with a lengthy paean to his departed can-carrier – sorry, valued colleague – Allegra Stratton. 

Were these new proposals merely a ploy to knock unfavourable stories off the front page, asked The Telegraph’s Ben Riley-Smith? The PM rambled and shuffled uneasily, looking wan – a reanimated corpse balancing a straw thatch. 

Back in the Commons, Sajid Javid was almost drowned out by calls of “Resign!” from the Tory backbenches as he trudged through his statement.

“Can he give me any reason at all why I shouldn’t tell my constituents to treat these rules in exactly the same way that Number 10 Downing Street treated last year’s rules?” cried an infuriated Philip Davies. Labour, naturally, were very angry, but they’d be supporting the new restrictions, come what may. 

It was all so depressing. Victory for the scaremongers and the “do something” politicians; defeat for logic and common sense. And we’ve all done things at the Christmas party we regret, but is creating a two-tier society really the best way to resolve it? 

In the end, there was nothing for it but to pour a hefty glass of wine and tuck into a giant platter of cheese.