Christmas is all about memories, and making them. But what happens if memory dims like fading winter light? It’s a topic that my family and I are all too well aware of, after our father was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2019. The diagnosis itself wasn’t a huge surprise – there had been warning signs, red flags along the way in the form of forgotten routines, confusion over everyday tasks and some frankly terrifying driving – but the effect of dementia on daily life is an ever-changing beast. One day, my father can seem crystal clear. On others, a fog descends.

The festive season, for our family, has always been about bustle and activity; different branches arriving and going, corks popping, bickering about the correct way to cook the sprouts (pan fried with chestnuts and pancetta, clearly). But all of this whirlwind and rapid fire goings-on doesn’t tend to parlay into what someone with dementia needs, which we’ve found to be routine, calm and steady domesticity. 

We’re lucky that my father lives in his family home, with carers and my sister and husband who live close by as support.

It’s been trial and error, but in muddling through the mire of dementia, there are certain things that we’ve found work in my father’s case. I’m not saying that they are solutions for everyone in this situation, and different stages of dementia obviously require different approaches, but right now, they’re what works for us.

1. Keep things as calm as possible

Agitation, rapid-fire conversations and change in routine tend to confuse my father, so we try to keep everything as easy and calm as possible. Little things that would be trifling annoyances to the rest of us – trying to find a mislaid item, someone coming to the door – can be the cause of huge agitation and worry for him, so managing situations is key. For example, because of difficulties in walking, my sister will navigate a route before any gentle excursion.

2. Don’t contradict

When my father is confused about certain things – he is no longer allowed to drive, but concerns about his car can be a recurring theme – we find that patiently explaining things helps. We explain that he is unable to drive it, but that he doesn’t need to worry as someone will always be on hand to drive him wherever he wants to go. He contradicts his dementia diagnosis, because he can’t remember it; we find that deflecting the conversation is useful.

3. Involve him in family life

We try to make sure my father is engaged with social occasions as much as possible, and that’s all the more important at Christmas. It’s not logistically easy sometimes, because of his mobility, but it’s important for him (and for us) to feel he’s as important to the family unit as he always was. Sometimes, he doesn’t seem to engage with the conversation, but we always try to stop and explain what we’re talking about if we think he’s not following. Try to keep conversations at a steady pace and avoid people talking over each other. We talk about things he loves; the local coast, animals and updates on (and photos of) our pets.