Dear Richard,
As I write this it’s the day after Boxing Day, and the coat I bought my wife has already made its way to the returns department of our local store. She’s exchanged it for some other things (a few of them – it wasn’t cheap).
This has really annoyed me. Of course if I’d gone off-piste in some way, or got the size wrong, there would have been no problem. But I was briefed in detail on make, model number, colour and size; and she certainly seemed delighted with the coat when she unwrapped it two days ago. I asked her if she wanted to wait a few weeks to ascertain whether whatever had changed her mind might change back, but she said if that model was going to be discounted in the sale we’d not the get full exchange value.
If she’d just wanted money in the first place I could have given her that. I feel the whole thing has been really transactional and it’s really spoiled my enjoyment of what I thought had been a happy Christmas. Am I being unreasonable?
–Brian, via email
Dear Brian,
No, you’re not being unreasonable. You are, however, on a hiding to nothing and as soon as you can just put the whole matter behind you the better.
I’ve said it before many times in this column and I’ll say it again: gifts should come without strings attached, otherwise they are not gifts, they’re contracts.
Once that parcel, package, jewellery box, cheque, inheritance or heirloom has been bestowed – that’s it. No comebacks. The giftee is entitled to do whatever they want with their present. Revel in it, stick it in the downstairs loo, shove it in a drawer, pass it on to someone else, or – as in this case – take it back where it was bought and exchange it for something more to their liking.
How can you have control over any part of a gift once you’ve given it, Brian? Look what happens when you try – you’re angry and miserable, aren’t you? And over what? A coat. A flipping coat.
Look. You did everything right. You picked the right size, style and colour. You didn’t baulk at the price. You handed it over on Christmas Day with a full heart. I’m sure your wife was sincerely grateful for all that.
She tried it on at home, then belatedly, for whatever reason, decided it’s not for her, and – since it now belongs to her – she can do what she likes with it. That’s not a rebuke or implied criticism of you. It’s what’s known as changing one’s mind.
It’s also what’s called marriage.
