Past Covid outbreaks may have dimmed the panto lights across Britain over Christmas, but PMQs provided some consolation for those of us who were still feeling the loss of our annual brush with Widow Twankey, Baron Hardup and Fleshcreep.
The rowdy, rough-and-tumble atmosphere was unmistakable. As the SNP’s Ian Blackford rose to his feet for the first time, it attracted not just the usual grumble, but a deafening collective groan.
Even Sir Lindsay Hoyle, the House Speaker, managed a delightfully out-of-character balls-up, misidentifying the Liberal Democrat leader as Ed Miliband’s ballroom-dancing former deputy.
“Ed Ball – Ed Davey!” he snapped, as the Commons dissolved into knee-slapping hysterics, worthy of a matinee in the Blackpool Grand with Paul O’Grady in attendance.
A newly spruced-up Boris Johnson, his blond mop at least partially tamed by a timely haircut, had bounced into the Chamber with the energy of a pantomime Buttons, lacking only the peaked cap and frogged jacket. But his usual foe was nowhere to be seen.
Little Red Hiding Hood
After testing positive for Covid for the second time, Sir Keir Starmer faced his sixth self-isolation from PMQs – an unrivalled record that could only be the result of tremendous bad luck, if not outright sorcery.
With poor Sir Keir yet again cursed to be locked away from public view like a lawyerly Sleeping Beauty, Angela Rayner assumed centre stage, with her trademark glossy Rapunzel hairdo and something of the panto dame’s skill for delivering even the corniest of lines with gusto.
“It’s not about brushing his hair – it’s about brushing up his act!” she grinned, gesturing at the Prime Minister, as the Labour members jeered and hooted obediently.
“It’s great to be here with the Shadow Secretary of State for the future of work… I think we all know the future job that she has in mind,” retorted Johnson in kind.
And just as any good panto audience knows when to cheer, boo or shout “He’s behind you!” the Tory benches produced well-rehearsed reactions, baying in unison at the PM’s familiar paeans to the booster programme or off-topic rants about Labour’s indifferent record on the economy.
At one point, Rishi Sunak and Priti Patel launched into a perfectly synchronised nodding routine worthy of Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee.
Angela in Wonderland?
Suddenly, Rayner put aside her Widow Twankey’s weeds and assumed an even unlikelier garb. This self-described socialist began ripping into rising inflation and Tory tax increases like a female Milton Friedman reincarnate.
“Inflation isn’t an economic theory, it has serious consequences for people’s lives,” she lamented. From a quick glance at Hansard, it seems that Rayner had, until today, mentioned “inflation” once during the last two parliaments (Sir Keir Starmer a grand total of twice). But better late to the party than not at all, I suppose.
Why, exactly, had the Prime Minister said that “fears about inflation were unfounded”, tried Angela von Hayek again?
“Of course, I said no such thing!” insisted Boris. (Oh no, I didn’t!)
But, seconds towards curtains-down in the PMQs panto, Rayner had one final trick up her sleeve: Sky News footage showing the PM saying precisely that in an interview last year. “I’m just wondering whether the Prime Minister would like to correct the record,” she smirked. (Oh yes, he did!)
For a split second, the Prime Minister looked lost – a piteous Red Riding Hood or Hansel and Gretel, but with no sign of an obliging huntsman or trail of breadcrumbs to save him.
Waving away Rayner’s intervention, he made to bolt off; anything to escape the cul-de-sac of awkwardness he’d blundered into. “He’s running away!” shouted the Labour benches.
But oh no, he wasn’t. The Speaker reminded Boris that he faced an encore – an official Commons Covid update beginning immediately after PMQs.
