Dancing on Ice (ITV) was twisting our melons, man. As the celebrity skate-off returned to the rink, cult hero Bez provided a moment of sheer TV joy. The Happy Mondays mascot descended on a giant pair of maracas before stumbling unsteadily around the ice, surrounded by pose-striking watermelons. Viewers could be forgiven for wondering if they were hallucinating. Happy Sundays, more like.
The 57-year-old force-of-nature cheerfully compared himself to Bambi and Frank Spencer. He paid tribute to his protective helmet, which came to his rescue countless times during training as his skull thudded wince-inducingly into the ice. Not so much “call the cops” as “put paramedics on standby”.
Bez duly became the first ever contestant to keep his crash helmet on for the performance itself. It might well have been at the insistence of ITV’s insurers. He nearly fell several times but was held up by professional partner Angela Egan – the reigning champion, now playing more of a carer’s role.
The judges didn’t know quite what to say. Christopher Dean thanked Bez for “proving how hard skating is”. Jayne Torvill added that it was “a special performance… unique, in fact”. A score of 12.5 points was the lowest for four years but for pluck and sheer entertainment value, Bez is already the people’s champion.
The DOI franchise is doomed to forever be seen as the poor relation of Strictly Come Dancing. Such unflattering comparisons were even harder to resist with three Strictly alumni to the fore in this 14th series.
Popular professional (and two-time champion) Oti Mabuse replaced John Barrowman on the judging panel – which, ITV insisted, was entirely unconnected to Barrowman’s apology last summer for repeatedly exposing himself to co-workers on the Doctor Who set. Either way, Mabuse proved a most welcome addition. She might be no skating expert – for a start, the South African hates the cold – but does know about musicality, performance and expressive movement. Her scoring was initially scattergun but she settled down to make a likeable debut.
Among the contestants, meanwhile, were two more glitterball veterans in lippy Kiwi pro Brendan Cole and pop star Rachel Stevens, who reached the ballroom final back in 2008. The show is often disparagingly dismissed as “Strictly on skates”. This year it really is.
