More and more it feels as if the world of children’s publishing has been conquered by a legion of Left-wing culture warriors. As you may have read in the Telegraph yesterday, even the Beano has gone woke. Gnasher, Dennis the Menace’s fearsome dog, has now become a vegan, while the Bash Street Kids have been given less “problematic” names. Fatty and Spotty are today known as Freddy and Scotty.

It’s the same in the books trade. Last week, it was announced that a publisher has commissioned a 21st-century rewrite of Enid Blyton’s Magic Faraway Tree, which, according to reports, will “educate children about gender equality”. Meanwhile, the children’s sections of book shops are now filled with such titles as A is for Activist, Antiracist Baby and Teach Your Dragon About Diversity. 

For parents who aren’t actively planning to raise a future leader of Momentum, suitable material for bedtime reading is growing ever harder to come by. Thankfully, however, there remains at least one series of children’s books that is defiantly unwoke.

I’m talking about the adventures of Asterix the Gaul. Sixty years since the first comic-book was published, the series is still going strong, with the latest instalment (Asterix and the Griffin) released just before Christmas. Now, in 2022, it occupies a more or less unique spot in literature. Because the Asterix books seem to be just about the only children’s stories left that still promote traditional conservative values.

This promotion isn’t explicit. The series does not feature a book entitled Asterix the Tory, or Asterix Versus the Pinko Commies. But the spirit of the books is unquestionably small-c conservative.

Most obviously, Asterix and his fellow Gaulish villagers believe above all else in sovereignty. That’s the central theme of the entire series: their battle to preserve their independence from the Roman Empire. Indeed, they’re stoutly resistant to all forms of radical change. And, although warm and friendly, they instinctively distrust outsiders and newcomers.

On top of that, they take great pride in their history (Asterix and the Chieftain’s Shield). They loathe compatriots who reject their country’s traditional culture and identity (Asterix and the Big Fight). They believe in small business but abhor corporate greed (Obelix & Co). They oppose the destruction of natural beauty by rapacious property developers (Mansions of the Gods). They can’t stand being looked down on by spoilt, trendy teenagers (Asterix and the Normans). And they hate metropolitan elitism (see Chief Vitalstatistix’s resentment of his rich and boastful brother-in-law from Lutetia – as Paris was then known).

The books’ humour is merrily un-PC, too, with endless jokes at the expense of stereotypical foreigners. See Asterix in Spain, Asterix in Belgium, Asterix in Britain – and, in fact, pretty much every other volume in the series. Whenever I’m ill in bed, I re-read a few. And they seem just as entertaining now as they did when I was six.

Since those innocent days, the woke have seized almost complete control of children’s publishing. So it’s good to see one small village of indomitable Gauls still holding out against the invaders.

Is this Boris’s secret plan to stay in power?

Amid this wretched row about the Downing Street parties, at least one person deserves sympathy. And that’s the person who’s having to investigate them. 

Already Sue Gray must be heartily sick of the whole affair. Because every time she thinks she’s ready to wrap up her investigation, news breaks of yet another secret party – and so she has to investigate that one, too. The latest was reported in yesterday’s Mirror. Goodness knows how many more parties this poor woman will have to look into.

Then again, we may be missing a crucial point. We naturally assume that these stories are being leaked to the press by Boris Johnson’s enemies. But perhaps they’re really being leaked by his supporters. Or even by Mr Johnson himself.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. The latest leaks are actually part of an ingenious plan to help Mr Johnson cling on to power. Put it like this. If Mrs Gray concludes that Mr Johnson broke the rules, he’ll be out on his ear. Therefore, it’s in his interest to delay the results of her investigation for as long as possible. And the simplest way to do this is for him to leak fresh allegations to the press every single day. The allegations don’t have to be true. They can be made-up. All that matters is that each one slows Mrs Gray down by giving her something extra to investigate.

I can just hear the Prime Minister now. “Right, chaps. I’ve drawn up a media grid. Tomorrow, we brief the Mail that we had a party on April 2, 2020. On Thursday, we brief the Times that we had a party on December 23, 2020. On Friday, we brief the Guardian that we had a party on January 9, 2021…”

Keep this up, and Mr Johnson should be able to stay in post until at least the next election.