Gravesend is typically among the warmest towns in Britain, but even here it’s been a chilly week. Still, I suppose I shouldn’t grumble. It could be worse.

After all, according to experts in the US, I should have been struggling through six feet of snow.

I know this thanks to a reader, who this week emailed me a news story that the Observer published all the way back in February 2004. The newspaper boasted that, in a major exclusive, it had obtained a secret report from the Pentagon about the terrifying threat posed by climate change. And, at the time, it must have made for sobering reading. Because, according to this secret Pentagon report, Britain would be “plunged into a ‘Siberian’ climate by 2020”.

Well, it’s now 2022. The lowest temperature recorded in Britain on Thursday was 19.4F (-7C). Which is certainly nippy. But on the same day, the temperature in Oymyakon, Siberia was -61.6F (-52C). So, although the school run may have been a touch on the bracing side this week, I think it might be a little melodramatic to call it Siberian.

The report’s other forecasts weren’t much more successful. Apparently, between 2010 and 2020 Europe as a whole should have suffered an average annual drop in temperature of 6F. By the end of that decade, “catastrophic” shortages of water and energy were expected to “plunge the planet into war”. Still, I suppose the “nuclear conflicts, mega-droughts, famine and widespread rioting” would at least have taken our minds off the cold.

Even the short-term forecasts were alarming. By 2007, claimed the report, “violent storms” would render “large parts of the Netherlands uninhabitable”, with “cities like the Hague… abandoned”. Thankfully, the Hague managed to avoid this fate. Indeed, since the Observer’s scoop was published, its population has increased by around 100,000 people.

I’m not suggesting that climate change isn’t real, or that governments should do nothing to tackle it. Whenever green activists issue dire warnings about the future, however, it can be comforting to recall the dire warnings of the past.

My foolproof plan to save Boris

According to reports, five more Tory MPs are tempted to follow Christian Wakeford by defecting to Labour. Pundits seem to think this is bad news for Boris Johnson. But actually it should give him a tremendous boost. Because it might well save his skin.

The logic is simple. When word of Mr Wakeford’s defection broke, his former colleagues were naturally horrified. One of them, however, spotted a silver lining. “I presume,” said Alex Stafford (Con, Rother Valley), “his letter won’t count now.”

This was a reference to the letter that Mr Wakeford had written to Sir Graham Brady, calling for a vote of no confidence in the Prime Minister. And Mr Stafford was indeed correct. Mr Wakeford’s letter no longer counts towards the dreaded threshold of 54. The solution to the Prime Minister’s woes, therefore, is obvious. 

In order to avoid facing a vote of no confidence, he should encourage the other Tory letter-writers to defect to Labour, too. Because this would mean that their letters would no longer count, either. Soon there would be no letters left, and Mr Johnson would be safe.

I think this makes much more sense than begging them to give him another chance. Grovelling would only make him look weak. Whereas Tory party members will unite behind him if his critics all jump ship to Labour.

In my view, there is no time to lose. Tory whips must do all they can to force these defections as soon as possible – even if it means resorting to the “dark arts” of bullying and blackmail. “Listen up, you little backbench toerag. We’re not giving a penny more to your local children’s hospital till you agree to join our hated opponents. So betray us – or else.”

It might seem a touch unorthodox for a Government to encourage its MPs to join the Opposition. But the Prime Minister has so many MPs, he can comfortably afford to lose a few. It is often said that Mr Johnson has failed to make the most of his huge majority. Now is the time for him to take full advantage of it.

If only this whole scandal could have been averted. On Thursday we read the delightful story of a stranded dog that was saved from the rising tide after rescuers led it to dry land using a sausage suspended from a drone. What a pity that Tory MPs never thought to try this. Each time Mr Johnson toddled off to an illegal party, they could have lured him away to safety by flying a sausage over his head.

Beetle mania

The Food Standards Agency has published some eye-catching research. Apparently, over a quarter of British people say they would be happy to eat insects.

This is not, to be clear, because they think beetles and millipedes look especially appetising. It’s because they think that, to reduce our consumption of meat, we should try insects as an alternative source of protein.

As it happens, I’ve already tried them. I once went to a Mexican restaurant in London where the appetiser was a grasshopper. It wasn’t bad. It just tasted like a flavourless crisp. But to feel full you’d probably need to put away half a swarm.

Still, there’s no doubt that the edible insect movement is growing. For some reason, the Economist magazine appears to be its most enthusiastic cheerleader. It seems to publish an article about it practically every other week.

I expect it thinks the change in diet will make workers more productive. No more wasting time going out for lunch. We can simply stay at our desks, zapping out our tongues to catch passing flies.

‘Way of the World’ is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines while aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday