The “partygate” scandal is clearly taking its toll on Boris Johnson. Lately he’s been looking tired and worn. In the circumstances, of course, that’s entirely understandable. It can’t be easy to get a decent night’s sleep, when you live directly above London’s busiest nightclub.

None the less, the Prime Minister is doing his best to fight back. Indeed, according to ITV News, he’s been telling colleagues that the whole business is nothing more than “a Labour/media witch-hunt”. This cry has been taken up by Mark Jenkinson, the Tory MP for Workington, who told the Commons this week that “the Opposition benches are in cahoots with the media to undemocratically depose this Prime Minister”.

Admittedly, a sceptic might argue that Labour and the media cannot strictly be to blame for Mr Johnson’s woes, given that neither Labour nor the media organised the parties that Mr Johnson is accused of attending.

Still, Mr Jenkinson spoke with undeniable conviction. He plainly believes that his theory has substance. So in my view, there is only one way to resolve the matter. Order Sue Gray to investigate whether, in fact, the Downing Street parties were actually organised by a secret socialist cabal.

Perhaps, for example, Martin Reynolds – the Principal Private Secretary to the PM – was forced at gunpoint by Left-wing secret agents to send an incriminating email that invited Number 10 staff to a lockdown garden party, and merrily encouraged them to “BYOB”. The more I think about it, the more plausible this scenario seems. After all, surely no one would send such a stupendously foolish email of their own volition.

Similarly, Mrs Gray should look to see if she can find evidence that Mr Johnson’s birthday cake was actually baked by Sir Keir Starmer, the suitcase of wine was supplied by Angela Rayner, and Wilf Johnson’s swing was broken by Richard Burgon.

Our sceptic might point out that the calls for Mr Johnson to resign have not come solely from Labour. In fact, the loudest call has come from David Davis. But can we really be certain that Mr Davis is not an undercover Marxist, who has been posing as a Tory MP for 35 years in order to unseat a Prime Minister who was still at Oxford when Mr Davis was first elected to Parliament? Mr Davis may have been a Conservative Cabinet minister, stood for election as Conservative party leader, and served as Conservative party chairman. But perhaps he was simply playing the long game.

It is certainly an interesting theory. I think we should take it every bit as seriously as it deserves.

Of mice and men

These days we are well used to educational authorities clamping down on books they deem offensive. But even the most jaded observer must have been intrigued by a remarkable story this week from the US.

A school board in Tennessee has decreed that pupils in the eighth grade – that is, those aged 13-14 – may no longer study Maus, a graphic novel by Art Spiegelman. An allegory that uses animals to tell the story of the Holocaust, Maus depicts Nazis as cats and Jews as mice. The book won its author the Pulitzer Prize in 1992. The school board, however, is removing it from the curriculum – for two reasons.

The first is that, in the eyes of the board, the book contains “rough, objectionable language”. For example: the word “damn”. Naturally no teacher would wish to encourage swearing. Personally, though, I tend to think that the slaughter of six million Jews is somewhat more upsetting than the use of the word “damn”, so if these teenagers are considered mature enough to be exposed to the former, they should be considered mature enough to be exposed to the latter.

The more striking reason for the book’s removal, however, is the second. According to reports, the school board objected to a scene that features “a drawing of a naked mouse”.

With all due respect to the board, I find it a touch unfair to criticise an artist for drawing a mouse naked. Mainly because, as far as I am aware, mice are always naked.

Indeed, in my 41 years on this planet, living in both town and countryside, I don’t believe that I have ever come across a mouse wearing underpants. Still, I freely concede that I have never lived in or even visited Tennessee. Perhaps, over there, mice are expected to cover their modesty. And if a mouse is seen scurrying across the floorboards in a state of undress, women and children are hastily ordered to avert their eyes.

Of course, mice are not the only species of animal known to shun clothing. In fact, to the best of my knowledge, all animals are nudists. It must be terribly time-consuming for the people of Tennessee each morning, having to dress not only their children but also their dogs, cats and livestock. (“Come on, Jesse, let’s get a pair of britches on to this here bull. There are lady cows present.”)

At any rate, this peculiar story does help to clear up one mystery. As a child, I used to wonder why the woman in the Tom and Jerry cartoons would always shriek and leap on to a chair whenever she saw Jerry. After all, mice aren’t remotely threatening or dangerous.

Now, however, I understand. Having looked into the matter, I find that the actress who voiced the woman in these cartoons was from Tennessee.

So she wasn’t scared of Jerry. She was merely horrified by his nudity.

Mange tout, mange tout

While we’re on the subject of censorship: the actor Patrick Murray, who played Mickey Pearce in Only Fools and Horses, has claimed that the classic sitcom couldn’t be made today, because BBC bosses are too woke.

But surely they could just add a Trigger warning.

‘Way of the World’ is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines while aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday