Much the same rules of engagement apply whether it is a man or a woman in the OPO role: the bottom line is that they must be fun, entertaining, non-judgey, and extremely discreet. Usually the Actual Plus One relationship is not up for discussion (or not until a couple of decades in/it goes wrong) and generally it is understood that this is a safe space where you can pick up where you left off back in the days when you were heady singletons who knew each other best.
Priorities are silliness, tunes, impersonations, drinking too much and gossiping – and while you are available for “sharing” you will at no point stray into conversations about facing up to responsibilities, getting a pension and so on.
You may be reading this and thinking, “Yes, that’s me and Big Jill who accompanied me to Murrayfield the other weekend” or alternatively, “I’m not sure I like the sound of this.” It is certainly true that there are rules which must be rigorously applied if the whole OPO arrangement is going to work.
Don’t have too much fun with your OPO – as in, one minute you are in the terrible glums and then your OPO calls and all of a sudden you are hooting and never happier.
Nominate something that your Actual Plus One is unenthusiastic about – such as watching football – and let that be your OPO thing. Once your thing (Bruce Springsteen concerts, marmalade conventions, playing pool) has been established and ring-fenced, you’re off to the races. Actually, going to the races might be your OPO thing.
If in receipt of advice from your OPO that would in the normal course of events be unquestionably the Actual Plus One’s territory – for example, how to discipline your children, decorate your bedroom, where to buy your shirts – on no account reveal your source.
The OPO must maintain a firm friendship with the Actual Plus One, and always, should the situation arise, be on their side in any debate. There can be no “Oh go on, let him buy the vintage sports car,” or “Oh, but his hair looks so good like that, don’t make him cut it.” No, no. If anything, it pays for the OPO to gang up with the Actual Plus One now and then. None of this works without absolute trust.
Some things never to do with your OPO
- Go dancing
- Go clothes shopping. This is weirdly intimate: seems OK until the big changing room curtain reveal
- Buy the one present they have always secretly wanted
- Cry at their wedding (unless very obviously tears of joy, but still, risky)
Finally, don’t be secretly fancying your friend or worse, fall in love with them (aaargh) because this will jeopardise the whole lovely, happy, useful arrangement for all of us and, we would argue, it’s very helpful in maintaining our actual relationships. The OPO gives the Actual Plus One permission to not sail, go to cheese festivals, sit through interminable John Cage concerts etc.
Plus, the best sort of OPO is able to make useful interventions, such as “She’s not going to like those earrings” or “You should definitely not be away on her birthday” and “If I were you I would ask her why she’s living in the guest cottage, because it won’t be about her bad back.”
Good luck, Eugenie.
