No one was quite making sense in Westminster on Wednesday. On Parliament Square, the anti-government protesters were back, chanting their delirious medley through a megaphone. “Boris is a liar! Fnur Fnur!” “THE TORIES, mumble mumble…” “Resign!” and so on.
Inside the Chamber, Conservative backbenchers, looking re-animated, were bleating like a flock of particularly vocal sheep. “Meeeergh!” they bleated as the Prime Minister took to his seat. “Bleeeergh!”
“I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve this,” said Paul Holmes, the Tory MP for Eastleigh, as he stood up to a bracing chorus of “Yeahhh, yeahhh, yeahhh!” from his colleagues.
It was certainly 1-0 to Labour in the battle of the yellow-and-blue lapels; the Prime Minister’s modest pin proved no match for Sir Keir Starmer’s snazzy Ukraine ribbon and matching emblem. But the Leader of the Opposition soon squandered his early advantage.
Own goal one: The refugee visa debacle
Home Office visa chaos seemed the obvious opening gambit, yet Sir Keir inexplicably opted to ignore the tusked, galumphing Priti Patel-shaped mammoth in the room.
Instead, he plumped for energy bills and a favourite tactic: using his six questions to make the same point in six different, ever-more-plodding ways.
He renewed his pleas for a windfall tax on energy companies, and a U-turn on government energy support measures, which Boris Johnson ruled out.
“We’ll see how long that position lasts,” snapped Sir Keir sassily, causing the Tory backbenchers to momentarily abandon their habitual baa-ing to something closer to Kenneth Williams. “Oooh!” they crowed, Carry On-style. Rachel Reeves and Angela Rayner shot imperious pouts across the despatch box.
To Sir Keir’s long-winded question about turbines, Mr Johnson had an unexpected analogy up his sleeve.
“We are the Saudi Arabia of wind power!” he cried, conjuring images of himself as a kind of British Mohammed bin Salman, presiding over a dastardly wind empire – the Sultan of Hot Air.
Own goal two: nuclear power
When the Leader of the Opposition demanded support for nuclear “after years of neglect”, Sir Keir slotted in yet another own goal, and perhaps one too many for the already-excitable Tory MPs.
The frontbench began wagging their fingers in unison. “It was you!” snarled Nadine Dorries.
“Those were the people who cancelled our nuclear efforts,” drawled Mr Johnson, gesturing at the opposition. “I’m delighted to welcome them to the fold!”
All of this proved catnip to his MPs. But at some point, perhaps after being in charge for more than a decade, a party has to take some responsibility for its own actions.
Tories fight back in injury time
There is only so long one can blame Labour politicians from that misty time when the Kaiser Chiefs were headlining Glastonbury, blue mascara was “in” and you could still smoke in pubs.
It was left to Ian Blackford to squeeze the Government on the Home Office’s visa nightmare; a role that, with its mixture of Tory-bashing and performative humanitarian zeal, the SNP spokesman was born to play.
“Scotland stands ready to offer sanctuary and refuge,” he bragged sanctimoniously, puffing up his shoulders. (“No sodding chance,” muttered the Prime Minister.)
“We understand how much refugees have to give in this country!” retorted Mr Johnson; citing himself, Dominic Raab and the Home Secretary as the direct descendants of refugees.
And with this non-sequitur, an incoherent, yet bloodless, PMQs drew to a close.
