Having stared across the despatch box with a glazed, shell-shocked expression on her face, Ms Cooper, the shadow home secretary, suddenly spurred into action when the Home Secretary sat down. Up she sprung, removing her glasses so dramatically it all but promised verbal fisticuffs. 

“WHY…” she spat, in the manner of a head-of-house going over a particularly lousy report card, “…does it always take being hauled into the House of Commons to make basic changes to help vulnerable people who are fleeing from Ukraine?”

She invoked appalling case studies: “A 90-year-old Holocaust survivor left in makeshift accommodation in Poland, mums with small kids… having to queue for days to get biometrics in freezing weather… and what about that Ukrainian nurse on a healthcare visa?”

“Total,” her voice quivered. “A total disgrace.”

The Labour MPs, primed to perfection, booed and hissed in all the right places. “It’s disgraceful,” one chimed in. ”Shameful,” yelped another.  

Delivering the knockout blow

However, Ms Patel’s treacly-sweet demeanour soon morphed into something altogether more dangerous. “Of course, it is the job of Opposition just to attack the Government rather than finding collective solutions,” she replied, with a faint curl of the lip. 

This collegiate feeling, or lack of it, was a central theme of her message. Even fairly critical Tory MPs were commended for their superior on-the-ground recommendations. 

“As ever, he is making practical suggestions as to what we can do,” she gushed to a visibly angry Tim Loughton. To questions from Opposition MPs, she offered wrinkly-nosed expressions of contempt.

Joanna Cherry demanded, as SNP members are wont to do, an immediate apology from the Government.

One curved eyebrow darted menacingly up the Home Secretary’s forehead. 

“If I may – to correct the Honourable Lady…” she began, before reeling off the beneficiaries of the Government’s existing refugee scheme, “…20,000 Afghans, 97,000 Hong Kongers. These numbers are completely unprecedented and I’ll take no lectures from her about heartlessness.” 

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.