You may have seen the pictures of Dominic West on the tiles the other night. If not, they could have been used in a public information broadcast called “The three signs of acute inebriation”. There was swaying and being supported by a friend. There was looking bleary-eyed, mischievous and slightly guilty. And there was dancing with a passerby/mistaking a total stranger for a long- lost chum. 

All that was missing was singing, which in our experience comes soon after embracing strangers. Looking at these paparazzi shots (will he never learn to keep an eye out?) many of us will have thought, “Ah yes, the end of a very long night when you are no longer a bright young thing.” Or, to put it slightly more cruelly, “Not A Good Look In Midlife” – and this is number one on the NAGLIM chart.

The Not A Good Look list for midlifers is rather different from the younger person’s. It’s considerably longer for a start and includes some things that you would never have imagined can turn ugly on you. Here are a few examples…

The 2022 Not A Good Look in midlife list

Exiting the party looking messy

Not to pick on Kate Moss but we all remember the year when Mossy exiting under the influence shifted from looking glittery to a bit bleary. Why it is that past a certain age (let’s not put a date on it) you will get draggy eye from the same amount of carousing you’ve always managed, we cannot say, but that is how it goes. To be fair, Moss (now sober) managed the glamorous early-morning exit for a lot longer than most.

Dancing like a Tory (formally known as dad dancing)

Michael Gove and Boris, we’re looking at you. Sorry to say that from midlife onwards, dad-dance moves need to be considered from the POV of a 22-year-old spectator. As a very rough guide, it’s better to keep arms low and avoid mouthing lyrics, and whatever you do resist the temptation to mount objects, such as tables or speakers, and involve props. (Boris’s posh funky gibbon is something no man of any age has attempted in our experience.)

Flirting with your daughter’s boyfriend

She wants to borrow your special top when he comes over for supper but you’re going to be needing that yourself, and getting your hair done and wearing a brand new short skirt. Trying to look hotter than your daughter, under any circumstances, is Not A Good Look.

Breasts and legs out, together

We had thought this was a rule well known to women of all ages – pick one or the other but go for both and you’ll look like you’re auditioning for a saloon girl part. Salma Hayek Pinault (55) always ignores the rule on the red carpet (but she’s the only one who gets away with it).

Tight jeans and denim jackets

Tight anything on men in midlife is always a mistake, as are T-shirts with slogans, parkas with fur trims, sunglasses when you’re not on holiday and any sort of chain. You’re not Paul Mescal in Normal People, and even if you aren’t trying to ape a 26-year-old sex icon, that’s exactly what it’s going to look like.

The god-daughter age-gap couple

There are some exceptions to the rule and really this boils down to the simple question: do we like the look of the older bloke or does he seem like a bit of a Flavio Briatore? We try to get our heads around this one in the interests of not judging, but still, the couple who might at a glance be godfather and god-daughter deserve a place on the list. Likewise it goes without saying that these men are the sort who wear an extra shirt button or two undone, spend three figures on haircuts, and spend more time looking in the mirror than the women they date (also NAGLIM).

Ibiza-type holidays

By which we mean any holidays where you are thrusting past people young enough to be your children to get to the bar or dance floor, while under the impression that you are blending in and possibly even attracting admiring glances. Also hassling the DJ (the only people who ever do this are old enough to remember Chicory Tip being in the charts).

My little pony-coloured hair

Post 45 – 50 at a push – it pays to acquire some hair dignity. These are not the years to get into candy-coloured hair, braids, asymmetrical fringes and so on. We’d go so far as to say that beyond being NAGLIM, this is ageing.

Being a serious festival goer

Plenty of us fancy a little summer music festival and that’s fine. What will get you on the NAGLIM list, however, is the wearing of festival gear, eg Daisy Dukes, cowboy hats and boots, coronets and wings. Fairly sure you weren’t considering this, but just in case.