Worse still is the loss of those putative sons- or daughters-in-law – the ones who adore your other children and work hard at school, but whom your own idiot offspring dumps for someone who communicates entirely in grunts, thinks homework is for “losers” and looks your clothes up and down in horror.
Even the least perfect boyfriend or girlfriend who hangs around for more than a few weeks – and the Cruz-Bliss combo lasted longer than some marriages – finds their way into the heart of the family. Victoria might be worried about Cruz and Rosemary, but I bet it’s Bliss, once bridesmaid to Kate Moss, she’ll miss most.
I have not, thankfully, yet experienced this anguish. But one of my own teen sons has had a girlfriend for more than a year, and I don’t mind admitting I would be upset if they broke up: she is wonderful. Crucially, she gives the impression of being reasonably happy to be around me, too. She’s not averse to chatting as though I’m a real, live human being, as well as an on-call taxi service and personal shopper (food and clothes). I also get on very well with her mother – our drop-off chats are welcome breaks from working and house tidying.
But I have witnessed other mothers being as upset by break-ups as their children – if not more so – and even heard of parental friendships cooling. One friend says she was more devastated than her 19-year-old son when he parted from his long-term love.
“His girlfriend virtually lived with us throughout lockdown,” she says, “and because her parents were abroad, I thought of her as a daughter. We had a lovely time together. When they split up after two years, I cried more than he did. I couldn’t even say her name for six months without welling up.”
Another mother, 54-year-old Vicky, agrees, saying: “It’s especially hard if they are school age, because that’s often when you are also friends with the parents. When my son, now 19, split up with his girlfriend of two years, I almost lost a friend, because her mother was, obviously, on her side. We are grown-ups and it was all fine in the end, but we didn’t see each other as much for a while. It was a bit of a struggle to have a relaxing coffee when our respective children were drooping around the house in various stages of heartbreak.”
She adds: “You want your children to be with someone lovely, but then you miss them when they’re gone. I loved my son’s girlfriend, and now find myself engaging just a little less with my children’s partners. I just can’t commit to them in the same way.”
She points out that even siblings can be affected. “My daughters absolutely adored her and felt that they’d lost an older sister.”
What of the young loves themselves? Don’t underestimate the intensity of a teenage relationship. Tanith Carey, author of What’s My Teenager Thinking?, points out: “These relationships are so important. Teenagers are wired to have very intense feelings of yearning, and boys especially are wary about revealing emotions, so if they’re rejected, it can feel catastrophic.”
Tell me about it. The end of first love really is hard – for us.
* Some names have been changed
