Dear A&E,
My husband and I both became teetotal at the end of last year – after realising that our relationship with alcohol was out of control. But now I am beginning to think our entire marriage might have been built on our ability to get blasted together, because I’m finding him quite boring. After eight years of marriage, I worry we have nothing in common. I don’t know what to do
– Bored
Dear Bored,
Congratulations. Don’t underestimate the difficulty of taking significant action to change behaviour that you feel has spun out of control. The pandemic and all the subsequent seismic shocks that are making 2022 an emotional pinball machine mean that most people are leaning into their default positions rather than stepping back from them. Take a moment and acknowledge your efforts to embrace the world of elderflower cordial and leaving early – once the pinot has pumped up the volume. But that, of course, is only the beginning…
You write that stepping away from alcohol has exposed potential fault lines in your marriage. We think there might be two strands to this. First, we are not convinced that those things couples have in common at the beginning remain mutually interesting forever. And so it must be possible to write new and different stories together. You are a different person from the woman of eight years ago, so it’s unreasonable to expect that the dynamics of your relationship haven’t shifted. Second, marriage has a way of blunting romance and wild fun with sheer, mundane domesticity: hot chat such as “Did you call the dishwasher man?”/“It’s my mother’s birthday on Sunday”/“Can you add bin bags to the grocery order?”, sexily peppered with pension planning, home insurance renewal and eye tests. It may feel like, without a drink, you have nothing to look forward to at the end of the day. Least of all each other.
Getting drunk doesn’t make you more interesting, it makes other people less boring. Now that every other night isn’t party night, you are no longer walking your well-trodden path of screeching “I can’t believe you’re so hilarious” as you slosh red wine on the sofa one night, then mopping up the hangover with pizza and communal groaning the next. Your marriage might feel like all the colour has drained out of it.
Your relationship with your husband aside, getting sober has a huge impact on your relationship with yourself. Everything acquires new resonance. Remember that everyone needs support going through big changes. If you decide to run a marathon, you might call on a personal trainer or an osteopath so you don’t destroy your back or your knees. If you are grieving, a grief counsellor can help navigate the process. Alcohol is the great illusionist: it makes you think you are having a good time… until you are not. It also dulls the thrum of doubt. Take your time to centre yourself. There are many great alcohol support groups, so it might be worth having a look at what’s out there. If that seems too much, read Catherine Gray’s The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober to bring a little spark back to your life.
You and your husband will need to find a new way to communicate. New common ground. The pandemic has meant that you have had less travel, less gossip, less looking forward to seeing each other at the end of the day. More proximity has meant less adventure. You haven’t been able to deposit as many meaningful shared experiences into the memory bank of marriage, so it’s harder to make withdrawals. Check in with him. If you’re feeling strange, odds are he is, too. Don’t let strangeness become the common interest. Intervene now. Talk. It may feel boring or awkward at first, but “How do you really feel today?” is not such a dull question.
Time to make new, sober memories. Together. Work out what you might like to try. It could be anything: backgammon, tennis, crazy golf or gardening. Try a lot of things, because conversations beget conversations. From Emilie’s experience of not drinking, it takes time to work out how to fill the gap that booze has left. The whole thing is exhausting, Bored, so you need to be gentle. You are making changes and that’s always hard. Don’t change everything at once. Let the dust settle on this big decision, because it’s a more powerful one than you may yet realise. We wish you luck.
More from the Midults:
What readers advised in response to last week’s problem: ‘My partner has started dressing like a boy racer – but I only find him sexy in work suits’
Michael Brunton: She can’t really expect him to wear suits on weekends, but she has a right not like his dress. Of course, he has a right to wear what he wants. I suggest she simply lets him know gently that she doesn’t like the boarder look and steer him towards something more fitting for an adult male. She can discretely comment favourably on clothing she does like. Most men want to appeal to their wives and he probably can be steered to something less juvenile.
