Dear Richard, 

My sister-in-law (who has recently been diagnosed with dementia) is still living at home with my brother.

At the moment, he receives six hours of respite care for her a week. This is clearly not enough as he is in his 80s but he reckons he can take care of everything. He relies on his daughter to visit once a week to sort out any issues, although she’s an hour and a half’s drive away and has two daughters to look after, one of whom is in a wheelchair.

Money is not an issue – though my brother is very reluctant to part with it and gets very irritable when the prospect of arranging more care is discussed. But I don’t feel my sister-in-law is getting the care and attention she clearly needs.

What do you suggest?

– Concerned, via email

Dear Concerned, 

The key to this is your niece. Without her, your elderly brother would be in real trouble. And she is clearly making huge sacrifices to help them out, especially considering she has two daughters to look after. That three-hour round trip every week, plus all the caring once she arrives and before she has to leave again, must be a major burden on her.

So my advice is this. Speak to her and then make a combined approach to your brother. A pincer movement, if you like. Your niece can explain that her current level of support can’t be sustained indefinitely, and that means organising and paying for extra help. If money really isn’t the issue, there’s no moral or financial difficulty involved in nudging your brother into arranging more professional care for his wife.

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