Wouldn’t it be great if there was an All-round Prenup that covered all the essentials for an enduring marriage?

There can be no one in the western world who isn’t aware of the impending nuptials of Brooklyn Beckham (son of David and Victoria Beckham) and Nicola Peltz (daughter of financier Nelson Peltz). Rumours as to the location, the scale and the budget have been circulating since they got engaged nearly two years ago. Now the wedding is today, at the Peltz family mansion in Palm Beach, estimated to have cost £3 million. And in the week that the no-fault divorce became law, Brooklyn and Nicola have been dotting the Is and crossing the Ts on a prenup which, presumably, guarantees that should the couple split, Brooklyn won’t get his hands on any of her £1.3 billion.

Lots of things occur to a person at times like this. For example, imagine being the son of a couple who are worth £380 million and yet looking (potentially, in the eyes of the law) like a no-mark gold digger. Imagine being 23 (him) and 27 (her) and getting married today – young or what? Also, will they have Idris on the decks at the party or Ed Sheeran and Billie Eilish playing live? How many dresses will Nicola get through (we guess three). And, most importantly, do they really know what they’re doing?

Wouldn’t it be sensible if the financial prenup was merely the top sheet of a neat package of prenuptial conditions that had to be met before the marriage could go ahead?

Wouldn’t it be great (now talking to all the parents of grown-up children who will one day soon be getting married) if there was an All-round Prenup that covered all the essentials for an enduring marriage, not just the financial “what ifs”?

We have given this some thought and the All-round Prenup would go something like this:

You need to answer Yes to all of these:

  • Never mind who has the most cash – does He/She bounce out of bed and head out into the world every day to do something that you respect?
  • Do you feel like your closest and most trusted friends care about your soon-to-be life partner (STBLP) as much – or possibly even more – than they care about you?
  • Would you describe your STBLP as kind? (This is the most important “yes” of them all.)
  • Would you trust your STBLP to look after your dog/mother/handbag for the day?
  • If you were forced to hole up in a small flat with one person for three months (see Lockdown), would that someone be the person you are about to marry?
  • New entry: has your future partner seen you at your sweaty, spotty, upchucking worst (midlifers will not understand the necessity for this question, but in the world of the Beckham-Peltzes, where every home has a grooming salon and you have your picture taken several times a day, there is no guarantee that soon-to-be-weds have ever seen each other without make-up).
  • Do you care about your STBLP’s opinion, and if they happened to disagree with you would you be prepared to listen to what they have to say and change your mind?
  • Do you have the same attitude to money, eg would you both always leave more tip than required or, alternatively, round it down thereby saving yourselves a few pence?
  • When the other one talks, do you think to yourself, “Yes, listen up everybody, this is good”, as opposed to “Quick, hurry up so we can get back to the interesting person – which definitely is not you”?
  • Can your STBLP make you laugh in a crisis/when you are furious and determined not to laugh on principle?
  • Does your STBLP forgive your worst behaviour but not so much that you think they’re a pushover?
  • Does your STBLP make you feel attractive even when, realistically, you are not that attractive by other people’s standards? (The question that you’d have to ask Brooklyn and Nicola, whose life’s work is finding each other attractive in public, would have to be “Are there things you find attractive about each other besides the way you look?”)

You need to answer No to all of these:

  • Has your STBLP ever put you down in public? (Big red flag here, guys. Huge.)
  • Has your STBLP ever let you down, as in not showed for the family party or made you miss the flight?
  • Does your STBLP have a previous relationship that makes you feel insecure? (That’s always them not putting you properly at ease, by the way.)
  • Would you change anything fundamental about your STBLP – anything more significant than their habit of losing keys and throwing out perfectly good apples?
  • If you went out to dinner seven nights in a row, would you struggle for something to talk about on the seventh night (alcohol is allowed, obvs)?
  • Do you find yourself apologising for Him/Her and explaining that He/She is usually a lot more relaxed/fun/interesting/good with animals?
  • Do you spare your STBLP details about your life that you think they might find unappealing, eg ongoing digestive problems?
  • If you answered “yes” to any of the “nos” or “no” to any of the “yeses”, pull the plug right now. Save yourself no end of heartache.

Good luck, Beckham-Peltzes!

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