I haven’t always been this shy. I’m a twin and, as children growing up in Hertfordshire, my twin Ben and I were always together, so there was someone next to me, someone I could stand behind. He was quiet but confident. I never felt exposed. Two seemed stronger than one.

It became more of an issue in adolescence. I was 14, in a French conversation lesson when I had my defining moment. We had to record ourselves and listen back, and all I could hear was a little kid talking. I was confused – my immediate reaction was that I was listening to the wrong tape and, when I realised that was my voice, my mind exploded. I realised something was weird about me and, from that moment on, I made the limiting decision to hide myself away.

After that, I became incredibly self-conscious. I wouldn’t want anyone to look at me, so I’d try and be as small as possible when I walked in a room. I’d feel sweaty and uncomfortable, creeping around with my shoulders hunched. I never thought I was good enough, but no one knew how I was feeling. We didn’t have the kind of dialogue we do now about mental health, so I didn’t question it, or speak about it to anyone.

I just struggled with life, and that continued into adulthood. Being shy feels like having an invisible force field that holds you back. I’d look at other women and see this ideal – they seemed comfortable in their sexuality, confident in their body, people looked at them and they liked it. I still do it now. They’re able to swan around, to speak up for themselves, to dance, to sing. I can’t do any of that, and it makes me feel like a failure. You have to keep reminding yourself that there isn’t this cookie cutter of a perfect, successful human being.

Shyness has affected all aspects of my life. At university, I wouldn’t share my opinions in tutorial groups, and in the workplace, I always felt very small. I had a good career in marketing, but I had no confidence in my abilities and wouldn’t put myself out there, or do anything that would draw attention to myself or raise my profile. I never wanted to phone people, to have the possibility of an awkward conversation. I was afraid because I thought they’d laugh at me.

I’m still shy, but now I push myself. I started boxing six years ago, and it has changed my life. Doing something physical that makes you strong, where you have to handle pressure and not melt, that has helped me for sure. I’m able to do things I never thought I would, like give talks and host podcasts.

Eventually, I left my job in marketing to write a book called More to Life Than Shoes, about women achieving brilliant things, which was the start of my journey investigating confidence and success, and I then moved into coaching.

My podcast, Shy & Mighty, was born three years ago after I’d got asked to join a panel discussion in front of a group of teenage girls. Everyone else was confident, all these alpha people shouting about their meteoric rise to success. I had to fight to be heard and, in the middle of it all, I thought, “Hang on. This is so weird. These girls don’t hear from anybody who is shy, they only ever hear from the loud people.”

The majority of people who come to me for coaching, talk about work – they feel like they’re not being seen, they’re being overlooked for promotion, or they find it hard to speak up in meetings. Often they feel like they don’t fit in, or need to fundamentally change who they are to succeed (they don’t). Entrepreneurs come to me when they feel like they’re creating great stuff, but they aren’t good at talking about it or tooting their own horn. And parents talk to me about their children. Often they are flying under the radar, not being noticed by the teachers, struggling to make friends and are wrestling with self-doubt.

And then there’s relationships – people come for coaching when they’re looking to meet someone new and they’re not sure how to navigate it or don’t feel like they’re putting their best self forward. I also get those who struggle to find their voice in a relationship. My podcast is all about giving people a voice. I like the irony too, that it’s a podcast about shyness. And somehow I’ve managed to get shy people to come and talk to me about it, too.

I’ve been married for 15 years and people ask me, “How does that work?”, like I’m somehow incapable of forming a relationship. I met my husband on a dating site; it was easier because I wasn’t a person who would approach somebody in a bar in a million years. I don’t know what I would have done without online dating because the chances of me meeting someone in a bar or a club were zero – I’d be hiding in a corner. And it’s not just about pulling someone in, it’s the physical side of dating. Particularly with the prevalence of porn now, people feel pressure to be a performer in the bedroom – and shy people are just not going to be like that.

My husband and I messaged online, but I refused to phone him. Whenever he called, I’d let it go to voicemail and text him back. The first time we met, I wore massive dark glasses because it made me feel safer, and we wandered around Hampstead Heath. Walking next to people means you don’t have to look at their face or meet their eyes. I didn’t admit to feeling incredibly shy, I just never discussed it.

Relationships can be challenging for shy people because we find it hard to have awkward or difficult conversations. I’ve stuck around too long lots of times, not spoken up for myself, or thought that my opinion mattered.

I’ve missed out on having fun quite a lot too. I was meant to go to a Bridgerton secret cinema event with friends recently, where we would have to get into character and dress up. There would be photos, and lots of people, and lots of flouncing around. I didn’t want to go. I’m sure I would have had a brilliant time, but there was something about the scale of the event, combined with the prospect of fancy dress, that in the end was a bit too much.

Normally, I’ll go out and think it was nice, but the other people seemed to be having way more fun. They can relax and let loose and I can’t. I’m never fully in it. And that is a bit of a shame.

But eventually I realised that my voice and my shyness can be a power because people would remember me and think I was sweet – and then they would help me and say yes to me.

The fact is, 57 per cent of the population are shy – and almost everybody has felt shy at some point, yet we are slinking around with our shoulders hunched, hiding, not telling anybody why. And because we don’t talk about being shy, anyone else who is shy thinks they’re alone.

It’s been harder for shy people since lockdown, too. Outgoing people want to be around other people, but we struggle with social anxiety more than ever. Leaving my small town now feels like a very big deal.

I’d like us to be able to talk about feeling shy without shame or fear of judgement, as if it’s completely normal – because it is. The chances are, half the people in front of you will say, “Yeah, me too.” And we can’t have half the population walking around feeling that they’re broken.

Shy people are talented, kind, thoughtful, interesting and smart. We’re loyal and deep thinking. We’re good at listening. Shyness is a strength, a superpower even. We may not be comfortable dancing on the table, or singing karaoke or making the first move. We might get a bit sweaty, need to wee a lot, trip over and spill our food. But, once we’ve taken a breath, we’re actually great at one-to-one conversations. We are good at listening. We think deeply. We care about the person we’re with. We pay attention. Shy people might not want to do a striptease on the first date, but we warm up. We are good at forming connections – it might just take us a bit of time.

Nadia’s top tips for shy relationship success

• Instead of giving up and resigning ourselves to a life alone on the sofa, it’s time to take control, and make dating work for us:
• If the whole concept of going on a date brings you out in hives, try a different approach. Focus instead on meeting new people and being a bit more social in general. Sign up for new activities, join a club, a choir, a book group, volunteer, get involved in your local community. Hang out with friends and their friends. The more people you get out and about with, the less time you’re spending locked up inside your own head, and the more relaxed you’ll feel around other people.
• Remember, dating is awkward. It just is. For everyone. It’s not much like the movies. Things go wrong. Wine gets spilled. There is mess and maybe even some funny noises. Oh, and some people suck. Expecting the process to proceed perfectly sets us up for disappointment. These experiences are part of the crazy rich tapestry of life and love. It’s part of what it is to be a human.
• Online dating websites and apps are perfect for shy people. They give us time and space to warm up before we actually meet someone. Messaging back and forth, suits our preference for planning and enables us to relax and be ourselves. And a bit of flirty chat helps you to get to know each other from the comfort of your sofa.
• Let’s ditch the whole sitting down to dinner dating blueprint. Whose insane idea was that anyway? Navigating a bowl of sauce-slathered noodles, while simultaneously attempting to dazzle and maintain eye contact, is enough to send anyone running away. Go for a walk. Go to the zoo. Or a gallery. Or try an activity, like a cookery class, life drawing, or bowling. Doing something fun will help you relax and feel more natural, with less emphasis on making conversation.
• In your spare time, do something to make you feel strong and powerful, like playing a sport, lifting weights, karate, or climbing. If you feel strong in body and mind, it will come across in the way you hold yourself and the way you interact with others. Who knows? You might even get chatting to someone nice while you’re there.
• Be honest and own your feelings. If you’re feeling shy, say so. You could say, “I’m feeling a little shy, because I really like you.” The idea of dating is to connect with someone who likes you for who you actually are. Chances are they’re going to find out eventually. Imagine how exhausting it would be to keep pretending to be something you’re not for the next 50 years.

Shy and Mighty by Nadia Finer is published by Quercus in hardback, e-book and audio on Thursday (RRP £16.99). Her children’s book, also called Shy and Mighty, published by DK, is out now (RRP £12.99)

As told to Lara Kilner