Dear Richard,
My 55-year-old stepson (whom I have never met) joined a rather dubious cult in Australia 20 years ago, leaving behind a trail of debts here in the UK – and clearly a number of unresolved emotional issues with his father. My husband recently wrote to him to ‘clear the air’, in no great hope of a reconciliation but rather because he was reaching a stage in life when one wants to do one’s best to settle accounts. What he received was a long email consisting of a torrent of obscenities, culminating in a wish that he ‘burn in hell’. He insists there was no abuse or unhappiness in the home when the son was growing up, though I think his divorce from the son’s mother was difficult. I have implored him to give up, but he believes it’s his duty as a parent to persevere. What do you think?
– Jean, via email
Dear Jean,
I’ve read your stepson’s email to your husband. It contains obscenities and threats so extreme that they are completely unsuitable for sharing here.
They reveal an explicitly intransigent and hostile stance. I can’t see a chink of light anywhere, I’m afraid; nothing whatsoever to work with. This man seems to hate his father with a volcanic fury that makes Vesuvius look like Pompeii’s rather congenial neighbour.
I suppose anything’s possible, but on the basis of such a lengthy, vituperative and generally horrible email, there doesn’t seem to be any chance of reconciliation. Having said that, your husband is perfectly entitled to persevere with his one-man peace process. It can’t do any harm, provided he is prepared for the consequent brutal rebuffs.
That’s where you come in, Jean. Without being a prophet of doom, you can keep your husband’s hopes realistic. Actually, he might appreciate it if you help him draft the missives to his son. At least that means you’ll have some skin in the game; to a certain extent, you’ll both be ‘in it’ together. That may give your husband a degree of comfort and support.
Assuming he is being honest with you, and there was no abuse or unhappiness in the family home when the boy was growing up, it sounds to me as if his son has indeed fallen into dubious company, a ‘cult’, as you describe it, which has successfully poisoned his mind against his own father. If that’s the case, then I agree with you – this is almost certainly a lost cause, especially bearing in mind the distance involved. My sympathies to your husband – and you.
