You may have been surprised to see that Liam Gallagher’s potential hip replacements (he needs two, apparently) made the headlines. The former Oasis frontman’s arthritic joints knocked Zelensky, partygate and Amber and Johnny’s latest marital linen-airing off the front page and for a minute we were all absolutely aghast. What? The bad boy of Britpop needs not one but two hip replacements? It doesn’t make any sense. He’s not turned 50 yet… he’s a baby!

This is because – as we’re often saying – we have recast midlife as a long period of glowing opportunity that begins around your mid-40s and continues into your 70s (everyone’s a bit reluctant to put an end date on it). According to our shiny new age stereotypes, 49-year-old Liam should be fitter, hotter and readier for action than he was at 39. We don’t like being reminded that there are some inescapable realities of the ageing process that even rock ‘n’ roll stars succumb to, crumbling joints among them.

So, for anyone who was genuinely shocked to discover that we don’t all age at Sir Paul McCartney’s pace, here are some milestones you might recognise. Let’s call them early onset midlife warning signs, for the sake of argument.

1. Getting into nature. As it happens, Liam was slightly ahead of the curve on this, too. You may remember that, during lockdown, he took an interest in birdsong, observing at one point: “Obviously, it’s a different language and I don’t understand it, but they’re not just talking gibberish, that lot.”
2. Looking forward to Antiques Roadshow.
3. Wearing a hat in the sun. Maybe you always wore a hat in the sun, but now you wear it even if you’re just nipping out to check that the birds haven’t got under the raspberry netting.
4. Owning a driving back support cushion.
5. Getting food stuck in your gum line, and not just here and there, all the way around.
6. Nipping through a door into a room and thinking “Who are all these old silvery types?”, and then recognising some of your friends.
7. Finishing people’s sentences. When we are not searching for the words ourselves, that is.
8. Finding dancing at parties to be less natural. Harder to get to the point when you’re up for it, and then a lot harder to execute moves that don’t feel a bit parent-of-the-bride.
9. Arriving early, especially for trains and planes. There was a time when you might get to the airport in good time so that you could try on sunglasses. Now you have to be there for the sake of it, and you’ve bought everything you need weeks in advance.
10. Getting strange bed fear. What if it does for our back?
11. Getting overnight flight fear (that’ll put your back out, if you’re rammed into an easyJet middle row seat, which you are).
12. Getting into audiobooks in the car. Before, you would have talked over loud music all the way.
13. Refusing invitations so as not to miss the first asparagus/dahlias/wisteria.
14. Looking at club scenes on TV and thanking God that we will never have to go there again.
15. At least once a week drawing our partner’s attention to some life prolonging health tip and adding it to the list of things they must do to stay alive.
16. Finding it harder to look good in a hat. Also, to walk a few yards in heels that we once danced in.
17. Never ever drinking coffee after lunch.
18. Having zero interest in going to the pub.
19. Minding what we drink (or, as we like to call it, being in control of our hangovers).
20. No longer enjoying the darkly comic violent TV series that everyone else is loving.
21. Getting out of bed in the morning and thinking… oof, my hips are a bit stiff.

Still, we’re not old is the main thing.