Dear Richard,
I live with my second wife and two teenage daughters, one from each of our previous marriages. For some weeks I have noticed my wife being snappy with my daughter, finding fault with her in various small ways, favouring her own child in little things such as menu choices.
I don’t think this is in any way warranted by my daughter’s behaviour, but I have to admit that my wife and I have been going through a rough patch, bickering about practicalities and clearly at odds over big issues in the future – like where we might retire to, and when.
It breaks my heart to see this, as the way my wife welcomed my then still quite young child into her life, and the close relationship that grew up between the two stepsisters, has always been really moving to me. As it stands, I feel doubly at fault.
Might I just be imagining this? The two girls still seem close, and my daughter hasn’t said anything to me. I don’t want to make a big thing of it and risk making matters worse, but I feel disloyal to my daughter if I just let it slide. What’s to be done?
– Alan, East Sussex
Dear Alan,
I think you need to focus on the seven-letter word in the opening sentence of your letter: ‘teenage’.
Adolescence is a ferociously difficult time for families living under the same roof to negotiate. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that. Sensitivities run high. The kind of stuff that was laughed off a few years earlier assumes pregnant proportions and inflated significance.
It doesn’t sound to me as if you have too much to be concerned about at the moment. Your daughter hasn’t complained to you about her stepmother; the two girls are getting along fine; you don’t have any issues with either of them. It seems like a fairly happy little household to me, apart from the tensions you mention between you and your wife. And these, too, are to be expected to some extent, especially at this time of year (and this year of all years).
I am sure these tensions make you hyper-sensitive to your wife’s behaviour towards your daughter – maybe excessively so? I also find myself wondering if you might have any lingering feelings of guilt about any possible damage the break-up of your first marriage may have inflicted on your daughter? You’re clearly grateful to your second wife for accepting your child into her heart, but now the rocky reefs of adolescence are upon you, you find yourself not quite trusting the set-up.
I think you should, and my advice is to relax. Yes, keep a watchful eye on things; but allow your daughter’s relationship with her stepmother to evolve and develop at its own pace and in its own way – and be prepared for a few clouds to scud across the horizon during these years. But you should be very, very wary of accusing your wife of prejudice or favouritism, based on just a few weeks of snappiness. That could open a can of worms you might quickly wish you’d left undisturbed
