Seeing Madonna’s bottom made me realise that we’ve aged very differently

The shot of her legs and bare bottom poking out from under a bed took social media by storm, sparking a wave of memes, and had me reaching for the gin. How did she even get under that bed without snagging her tights? Was she looking for her phone charger? Was she on an extreme Treasure Hunt? It worried a lot of people on Twitter that the centre buttock line of the fishnets was slightly off.

Fishnets aside, that toned bottom was a sight to behold. I was Rear of the Year in 1986 and I don’t think she’s been nominated yet, so that’s definitely a feather in my cap, but the effort involved keeping that rear to look like Madonna’s would literally take five bodybuilders and a surgeon with a massive sense of humour. The only fillers I know about are stocking ones, or stuff to hold the ceiling together.

For the purposes of this article I’ve had a quick try to recreate the pose and though I did find two phone chargers, a Challenge Anneka mug and Son 3’s swimming kit circa 2005, I had a mild panic attack and had to be pulled out. But I definitely proved the point that it is impossible to exit from under a bed in fishnets and Louboutin shoes. 

So now I’m full of consternation that Madonna is actually impaled under a pull-down bed, because honestly you wouldn’t choose to choke yourself on carpet dust while experiencing mild claustrophobia. Has someone checked on her? Should we send someone round? Or perhaps, rather endearingly, the mother-of-six is just not that great at hide and seek. We all remember our children covering their eyes and thinking they were hidden.

Though, as ever, she’s gamely giving her all, I must say. Suddenly that photograph tugged at my emotions. It says so much. Or it said so much until I saw the next image, where she’s lying topless on her bed. I mean, who lets anyone see your nipple?

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