Hey.

Reading the news is always a challenge, especially when it comes to children and their decisions. For example, here is one of such news, a sixth grader from Vyborg committed suicide, as his parents took away his phone. The schoolboy warned his friends about this for a week, but no one took his words seriously. It is difficult to discuss such a topic, but it is certainly necessary, the main thing here is to refrain from slipping into moralizing and hanging labels. The death of a child is a tragedy, there can be no different interpretations, and the search for the culprit cannot return the life of a person who has not yet figured out how everything works in this world.

Scrolling through the comments about this case, I constantly caught myself thinking that everyone is using this story to assert their life principles. Here are some typical phrases that describe the whole spectrum of emotions:

• I have always believed that the telephone is evil, now I am sure that it should not be given to children. As a last resort, you need to keep track of what they read and write.
• Natural selection. Got drunk from a well-fed life, get the result. In the mine with the kyle of these kids and bad thoughts will go away.
• Parents – moral monsters, gave up the upbringing of their son to the phone. There are a lot of such around, they will give the child a phone with cartoons, and they themselves try in a cafe. Mowgli was raised by wolves, and these are raised by devices.
• Never give your child a computer and a telephone, they were created to steal souls.

I don’t know the people who wrote these comments, there were completely different responses, someone emotionally empathized, someone was angry and aggressive. But one thing I can say for sure, the Internet has long since turned from a pleasant place into a magnifying glass, in which what is present in our life, but usually does not draw attention to itself, is amplified by a hundred times. A vain person turns into a caliph online for an hour, you can look at his pictures on Instagram, where each photo deliberately emphasizes wealth, success and what can be described as dolce vita in the Central Russian lane. This is also a kind of role model that teenagers can believe in. My friend’s daughter sincerely believed that her mother was unsuccessful in life, because she did not have beautiful cars, clothes, restaurants and the worst thing is that she has no subscribers, since she is not a blogger! The beauty of the situation is that the mother acts as a person who buys advertising on behalf of the company from many bloggers, knows their capabilities and the real state of affairs. But there is no faith in my mother’s word, since pictures and images on social networks are much stronger, at least for a while, until the little person begins to figure out for himself what is real and what is superficial in life.

The task of any parent is to protect their child, to protect him from the dangers of the world. They often ask me how to set up a smartphone, computer or router so that they know exactly which pages the child goes to, what he studies on the network, and, if necessary, intervene and punish so that it’s disagreeable. Access restrictions are useful, as is the ability to filter content for children, but once children become teenagers, all these efforts are wasted. There is only one way left, when you need to talk to your child, constantly tell what is good, what is bad, and not leave behind the scenes some forbidden topics. Use examples, as prohibitions do not work and only arouse curiosity. It cannot be an intrusive non-stop process, all these conversations must be appropriate and timely. You can’t push, you can’t go too far. But the problem today is not in the parents, but in the fact that many parents do not fully understand what the Internet is and how it has changed over the years.

A friend of mine told a remarkable story that perfectly illustrates threats that many adults cannot think of. A friend of his daughter was bullied by classmates, because ten years earlier, her mother posted a photo of her in diapers on a social network. A clever, beautiful girl was unexpectedly attacked, the nickname “crap” clung to her. The mother, who photographed her child and posted these pictures for everyone to see, did not even imagine that someone could find them years later and then use them as such. Is it bad? Probably yes, since the child needed psychological help, she had to face natural bullying at a very tender age. And the situation was saved by the fact that she was able to talk with her parents, did not withdraw into herself. And together they found a way out of this situation, growing up came much faster than one could imagine.

It is impossible to protect a child from all the threats of this world, it is impossible to control his every step, as this will either create a false sense of security, or the feeling that the parents can solve any problem. You need to teach your child how to react in different situations, what to do and why. The telephone is indispensable in this respect and can help, but it is also a source of danger if misused.

Pornography in my childhood was not just banned, you could get a real sentence for it. There was no need to talk about the availability of such photographs or videos on cassettes. I saw something like this for the first time after my adolescence. How difficult is it to access pornography today? It’s a couple of clicks! Does this bother the parents and are there discussions about how to deal with it? Almost never, since this information is publicly available, a child can reach it at any time. And you can catch him behind this, make a scandal and achieve nothing. But the fact is, this forbidden fruit is so affordable that it doesn’t generate much cravings. So is it worth worrying so much?

There are many other dangers and often it is not the threat of drugs or something like that, but rather the interaction between adolescents, a showdown. The Scarecrow movie remains an excellent illustration of the main danger of this age and the need to support the child.

It’s stupid to blame a phone or a computer for providing access to the Internet, children need to learn in the modern world, to use all its delights. After all, no one believed that axes should be banned, since they could kill old women. The phone is a tool, but how to use it depends on the person, including the little one. We do not teach digital hygiene, although even in childhood they teach how to brush their teeth, as if physical cleanliness is much more important than mental cleanliness, which, it seems, does not need to be taken care of, it should appear by itself. Alas, this does not happen in life, and this is a constant job, which is often unknown. You can leave everything at the mercy of nature and hope that the child will grow up in the correct coordinate system. You can overprotect him and not achieve results. There is no one and only right way, we are all looking for our own ways, for everyone the experience of being a parent is unique and unrepeatable. It all sounds like general phrases, but each has its own recipe and there are no universal rules. But it is important to understand that life needs balance in everything, including how you teach your child, how involved you are in what he does and how he lives. You cannot be aloof, but you cannot take all of his time, leave personal freedom and space. But the most important thing is that you need to teach basic safety rules. Don’t communicate with strangers, they can be dangerous. You teach your child not to open the door to strangers? Exactly also, one should not be allowed to communicate with strangers on the network, explain that it can be anyone and often such people have bad intentions. Alas, but life is not woven from rose petals and there are different things in it. This is what needs to be explained and shown.

The phone should become a tool for the child that helps in various tasks. He must understand what it can be used for, and for what it is definitely not worth it. But he can only learn about this from you. And my advice to you, dear parents, take some time and just chat about what a phone is, why you need it, how to operate it. Do not be afraid to say ordinary things, explain common truths to your child. Let him brush you off, but he will still remember a lot. God grant that it will never be useful to him, but let him know it. And put the most important thing in your child’s head that he should know – no one but you will support and love him so much, and strangers on the network do not care about him and his desires, they only pretend in order to achieve certain goals. For them, your child is a toy. It sounds scary, but that’s exactly how it is. There is only one way to protect a child from other people and from himself – by talking to him and explaining. The phone is not an enemy, in this role it is seen by those who cannot find a way to explain themselves with their child, as if the phone can take away the child. Alas, this is done by adults who do not find an approach to their own children. Take care of yourself and your children.

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