Like many parents in the same position, Jo and her husband, Jeremy, are happy to help their son get started on his career path – but cohabiting in the long-term was not in their plans. “We’re often jostling for space. There’s a fight for who gets into the shower first, and I come down in the morning to find packed lunch stuff left out in the kitchen. Trying to do Zoom yoga in the kitchen/diner while Jamie is cooking is something of a challenge. And as a couple we’re having to take another person into consideration, and inevitably that means we’re not giving each other as much attention. But, of course, I’m also aware it’s not easy for Jamie, having been independent for three years, to lose that independence as well as his privacy. Ultimately, we love having him back home but it’s taking some adjustments all round.”
For me, since our eldest son returned to the family home for the second time, it just feels plain weird to be back to niggles like “Great, he’s used up all the milk,” and struggling to doze off through post-pub banging of doors – the kind of irritations we’d happily consigned to the past. But it’s emotionally disruptive too. Having gone from hardly seeing him (sometimes for weeks on end) I feel like I’m back on “mum duty”.
And while I don’t resent this, making room for myself isn’t easy. Plans have stalled and it’s a struggle to find my focus. Emotional distraction is the only way I can describe it. Jo concurs: “There is that mental space they’re taking up when in your home, unlike when they live away. And you can’t help but be aware of their comings and goings, and worry if it’s late and you haven’t heard their key in the door”.
Psychologist Honey Langcaster-James says: “For the primary caregiver, whether that’s Mum or Dad, having spent many years organising your life around your children, once they move back home, there tends to be a resurgence of the old role dynamics, leading to both an increased practical load as well as a cognitive load”.
For a harmonious household it’s important to renegotiate your roles in the family, communicating your needs and boundaries as to what you’re prepared to do in this new dynamic. “Part of feeling adult is paying your way, so let your child contribute to household costs if possible and add to family life, rather than being a burden.”
And don’t beat yourself up if you have ambivalent feelings. Langcaster-James says: “If you feel a little resentment at your loss of freedom, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them… If you feel guilt over your feelings now that they’re back under your roof, try to let that go.”
How to cope with domestic tensions
Negotiate expectations
“Make sure you’re not infantilising your adult child. They are perfectly capable of taking their role in the home, and it’s healthy for them to do so,” says Langcaster-James. “Have an open conversation as a family and negotiate the boundaries and expectations around the new living arrangements. Avoid falling into old patterns. They don’t need you to do their laundry or plan their meals.”
Ask how it feels for them
Moving back home could well have left your young adult child feeling disempowered. “It may have been a particularly difficult period for them that led to the move back, and they may miss living with friends and having that feeling of independence,” says Langcaster-James. Avoid setting curfews or asking questions about how they spend their free time.
Avoid parent-child interaction
Whatever age you are, spending time with your parents typically brings up feelings of childhood, and it can be easy to fall back into those roles of old. “For a young adult who’s trying to find their way in the world, it can be frustrating to get treated like a child by their parents again,” says Papadopoulos. Try to relate as adults and respect their tastes and opinions.
Stick to your plans
Keep your new life plans intact. “Resist the urge to give up social groups, hobbies and work opportunities in order to shift your focus back onto your offspring,” says Langcaster-James. “Put a stake in the ground and say ‘This is what my life consists of now’.”
Support each other
Recognise that for the primary caregiver this may be a bigger period of adjustment, irritation and conflict than for the secondary caregiver. If one partner’s burden of stress has increased, make sure you both take an active role in communication to assert the boundaries and help keep things running smoothly.
