Funny how we now feel nostalgic for the usual (as in pre-2020) run up to Christmas. Before Covid, December 20 marked the official start of full blown Christmas panic. Many of us would have been simmering for weeks but the 20th has always been the day on which you could legitimately run around Tesco roaring “What Do You Mean no more fresh cranberries until December 27?” Or safely burst into tears in the Post Office without anyone thinking you were certifiable. (Standard Christmas Panic, nothing to see here.)

And yet, here we are, five days away from Christmas, and we can’t even begin to get into the usual meltdown spirit. Whether to buy an extra blow heater, whether to move the tree away from the radiator, whether the boiler is going to hold up, all of these concerns and more are way, way in the future, if we even get that far. To have the luxury of worrying about the turkey not quite fitting in the oven seems like heaven compared with where we are now, which is basically Operation Save Christmas At All Costs.  

Omicron has added a fat layer of seasonal responsibilities that’s shunted our Christmas week to do list into the long grass. It’s particularly challenging because most of it can’t be done by us, and requires micro-managing from a distance via Whatsapp, email and the occasional old school phone call.

Here’s how Christmas 2021’s To Do List looks (let’s pray we’re back to ‘check enough gin’ by this time next year):

Locate enough lateral flow tests 

Also have the conversation, several times a day, about the efficacy of lateral flow tests and whether we should have the conservatory door open at all times and any over-90s positioned opposite the doorway wrapped in blankets. Not joking. 

Cancel all social engagements

Including the ones we swore we would never cancel, no matter what, because we heard what Chris Whitty said, even if he didn’t spell it out (“You Would Have to Be Mad”). This is surprisingly hard, as it turns out, because some people, including those planning to have large parties and weddings in the next few days, heard: “look it’s fine if you just get a lateral flow test”. This has divided friends and families and caused bad feeling at a time when we could really do without the aggro. 

Monitor all younger family members’ social and work commitments, daily 

There is no Lockdown (yet) but thanks to us they are living as if tagged and required to report on venues they propose to visit, explain why X counts as an essential contact, why Y couldn’t wait until after Boxing Day, their methods of transport, mask quality etc. For the next four days we’re offering to subsidise home food deliveries and online film purchases, send bikes, whatever it takes to avoid the message ‘Got Covid’. 

Investigate outdoor entertaining options, eg braziers

This is to accommodate the Whatsits for Christmas Eve drinks, partly because they refuse to be cancelled. 

Discuss possibility of having a safe half of the kitchen and a not quite so safe half

Also an out-of-bounds, oldies-only sofa. 

Circulate pictures of Berocca

And almonds. And garlic. And people drinking water. And people staying in. 

Semi consider a Plan B 

Only because we were the ones who got locked into Tier 4 at roughly this time last year and it might be sensible to have an emergency back up plan, just in case. (It’s not easy to even think this behind the bathroom door since the emergency back up plan is really bad for everyone and really, really bad for some). 

Get ahead on the buying of food that will keep

Smoked salmon and Turkish delight are both your friends. 

Get best velvet suit cleaned for that NYE party (only kidding ha ha.)

Good luck everybody.