Dear Richard, 

The lockdown Christmas last year was the best one I’ve had in a long time: no squabbling aunts or dry turkey. Instead, my boyfriend and I had a relaxing morning walk, worked together on a brilliant festive feast and then chilled out watching Christmas films all day.

So this year I’ve decided not to go home for Christmas – but I’m feeling guilty about it. This time of year has always been special for my mum, who always puts in a lot of effort with decorations, presents and the like. I have told her I have to be on call for work, which is plausible – but it’s not actually true.

Of course I’m going to make sure I send a lovingly chosen gift and call her on the day. But should I come clean before then? I’m worried that the lie will cast a shadow over the day.

– Bonnie, Lincs

Dear Bonnie,

A Well, your conscience does you credit. You’re not comfortable telling fibs and in my book that makes you a good person. But the fact is we all find ourselves bending the truth a little from time to time, and it’s the motive that’s important.

In this case, you’ve invented a story about work to spare your mother’s feelings. You could have told her the truth, but what good would that have done? She’d only have been hurt and felt judged.

Actually, I don’t think it’s the white lie itself that’s troubling your sense of morality; it’s the fact that you recognise your mum will miss you on the big day. You feel guilty about that because you know you and your boyfriend, by contrast, are going to have a wonderful time.

To salve your conscience. I suggest either promising her you’ll go over on Boxing Day, or making a cast-iron pledge to yourself that next year you’ll be there, bearing gifts and good cheer, come what may.

Now stop beating yourself up,  Bonnie – and have a lovely Christmas.

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