Prior to Monday’s statement on the future of the BBC, the Commons debated Beijing’s infiltration of Parliament – and while it’s a relief to discover that Britain is still worth spying on, one has to wonder if the commies haven’t already won.
We’ve got their flu. The Government is enormous. And we even have a state broadcaster, which Labour calls a “treasure” and the Tories think is a socialist conspiracy. “Bitesize is horrendous!” shouted one patriotic MP. To confuse matters, Labour wants to bankroll “Antiques Roadshow” with a poll tax whereas Nadine Dorries, the people’s Secretary for Culture – in a bright red dress – told MPs she’s freezing the licence fee for two years to help the poor. She even appeared to hint on Twitter the day before that the licence fee might go.
“Any substantial policy development should have been made to this House!” complained the Speaker, but he might as well have been speaking to the hand cos the face wasn’t listening. Nadine ain’t bovvered, she never is. The BBC is a great institution, she told the Commons in her wonderfully withering style, but times are tight and people need more cash in their pockets. “Pull the other one!” replied Lucy Powell, Labour’s culture bod: this is just a bit of red meat thrown out to distract us from the PM’s problems.
If she’s right, it worked. The MPs tucked in. Labour frothed at this assault on the World Service, local journalism and impartial news. The Tories pointed out the injustice of making rich and poor pay the same amount for programmes they don’t enjoy or consider impartial.
The exception, as ever, was father of the house Peter Bottomley, nominally a Conservative and guaranteed to put any audience to sleep, who, it is rumoured, has been the target of unsolicited attempts by a mysterious consortium to pay him never to speak again. “I am unimpressed,” he said, “by the process… and the proposal.”
Some MPs truly believe the BBC is the summit of Britishness, in which case it’s alarming to imagine that if one scaled our civilisation, you might find Danny Dyer sitting at the top.
The quality of the BBC isn’t in dispute, said Nadine, and the Tories have no desire to abolish it. The Government is looking for a commercial way to save it in a world of online streaming where “a household can watch five different movies in five different rooms”. That’s not a world I want to live in, but the lady is on the money: the number of people purchasing a TV licence fell by 700,000 last year, said John Whittingdale (Con).
If Labour wins the next election, I’d bet they’ll be debating a “subscription” model soon enough – though “I never used that word,” insisted the Culture Secretary. “I have the greatest respect for the father of the house,” she continued, proving that she, too, can act, “but I cannot agree that the BBC can year after year continue to ask for more money,” for it is unfair and unrealistic.
An MP in a green uniform waved a little red book and asked if we should broadcast BBCOne entirely in Mandarin, but the House, sensibly, ignored him.
