Dear Richard,
I wanted to ask you about something that flared up before Christmas. Because of general variant/Plan B-related nervousness, we didn’t do a big family gathering, but we did manage to meet for dinner with my sister and brother-in-law at a restaurant in London in December. I have a high-earning professional job and my wife doesn’t work; my sister is a teacher and her husband is a freelance sound engineer, and I know money has been tight for them, especially since he lost a lot of work during the pandemic. The difference in our lifestyles has never seemed much of an issue before.
However this time, despite careful negotiations about not choosing an overly expensive place to meet, my wife dolled herself up to the nines and wore some serious jewellery. She looked great but it felt a little de trop. Nothing particular was said at dinner but I felt there was an atmosphere. Then, after much good food and (crucially, maybe) drink had been taken, I offered to pay and suddenly there was a massive row: I was accused of treating them as charity cases, and my wife of “flaunting” our affluence.
After that I was quite relieved to have a quiet Christmas. But it has left a sour taste. Should I talk to my sister, who I can’t help feeling over-reacted (it’s not as if any of us has had much chance to put on our glad rags over the past few months)? Or indeed to my wife, whom I have never in the past suspected of playing the sort of mind games of which she was accused, but who clearly managed to rub my sister up the wrong way? Or just pretend the whole thing never happened?
– Peter, via email
Dear Peter,
Well, I certainly don’t think your wife has anything to apologise for or explain. So what if she made an effort to look nice? It was a pre-Christmas celebration and, as you say, one that was a long time coming after the dreary restrictions we’ve all had to endure. I simply can’t see how putting on a posh frock and sparkles could be interpreted as “mind games”.
So yes, I think your sister probably overreacted, but we can all do that. Remember Steve Martin in Father of the Bride? “Me, I can definitely lose it. My mother… a nut. My grandfather… stories about him are legendary.”
In other words, Peter, we should be tolerant of overreactions because they’re part of what makes all of us human. And I think for diplomacy’s sake you should take some responsibility for what happened that night, rather than hanging the blame on your wife’s necklace. Settling a group bill in a restaurant can be a fraught business. People fall out about it all the time: “You had much more wine than us… I didn’t have a starter… you ordered the most expensive pudding,” etc.
It was kind and generous of you to offer to pay for everyone but that’s clearly the spark that ignited this row. If I were you I’d simply call my sister up and apologise for being insensitive. Say the last thing you intended was to be patronising or condescending. A mea culpa costs nothing, Peter, unless your pride is more important to you than settling a silly squabble and moving on. And if she has some genuine grievance with your wife, then that’s for the two of them to sort out.
But next time, maybe hold off on the second bottle – and agree in advance to split the bill right down the middle.
