Dear A&E,

My divorce was finalised last month and I find myself single – for the first time in 20 years – at 45, with a violent crush on a divorced dad at the school gates. I don’t know if he’s noticed me. We do sometimes chat briefly with the other parents at pick-up and I think he laughs at my jokes more than he needs to. But I’m at a loss as to what to do. Terrified of making a fool of myself. What next? 

— Flustered

Dear Flustered,

First of all… what a thrill! Coming out of an unhappy marriage and finding yourself sorted, independent and ready to roll must be like feeling the sun on your face after a long, dreary, sad winter. So, even though we are about to be slight killjoys, please know that we are delighted for you and your newfound verve which will, in time, be put to good and electrifying use. You might, under different circumstances, proceed until apprehended. But we are counselling you to proceed with caution. Not because of etiquette or foolishness (ultimately those things are merely details) but because of the precinct. Your children’s school. This is neither safe nor neutral territory.

You are just post-divorce and all its horror. What people rarely factor in is the fact that, by the time you even embark on the arduous divorce proceedings, you are already flattened by the misery of the marriage. So, once you have sorted out the money and the children and your own heartbreak and the housing you are likely to be pulverised. Then you recuperate and emerge like the phoenix from the ashes with, well… itchy knickers, Flustered. That is not a scientific term, but it is a thing. Itchy knickers are greedy and, to a certain extent, indiscriminate (said with all due respect). This is why you must be careful. Using the school gates divorced dad as a scratching post is dangerous.

You may feel all-powerful but we would suggest to you that you are still vulnerable. You are still going through a process. Remember that, while experiencing post-divorce horn, your quality control will not be in place when it comes to men.

Your children have been disrupted. School needs to feel safe for them. Your ex-husband presumably drops off and picks up as well and, even though we do not know the circumstances of your separation, it feels cavalier to recruit lovers in the playground even if they are very attractive, low-hanging fruit.

“Enjoy the flirting and excitement of a little school-gate chemistry,” advises Helen Thorn, author of the bestselling book, Get Divorced, Be Happy, “but, as tempting and convenient as it is to dabble in local talent, it is best not to take it any further than hair flicks and cheeky innuendo. It is too risky to go out with dads from school, especially in the early days when you are feeling a bit vulnerable. You don’t want to be the subject of gossip among both kids and parents!

“My advice is always go out with someone at least three postcodes away and then you won’t bump into that one-night-stand in the park with your kids or see them with their next date at your local pub.” She has a point. You’ve been married for a long time, Flustered, and you may have forgotten that this stuff can make us heightened, obsessed, checking our phones every 10 seconds, wondering what he’s thinking… not the recipe for a calm, reassuring school run. Draw up some battle lines.

If you have stress-tested everything around you and you really believe there is a connection, suggest a cup of coffee. Worst case scenario, he says no. Crushes tend to fade away once you realise they can’t be activated. You have been through worse. You may find him dull. Or you may become friends. No alcohol. And no sex with him until you have been divorced for a year and you both agree on what it is you are doing.

You have proved that you can do hard things. Keep life as simple as possible while you and your family recalibrate. There will be other divorced dads, Flustered. Remember when you were 13 and fancied your best friend’s brother because he was the only boy you knew? How did that go? Well, exactly.

More from the Midults: 

What readers advised in response to last week’s problem: ‘I found condoms in my teenage daughter’s bedroom – should I confront her?’

Caroline Watson: She is 16 and over the age of consent. She is entitled to her privacy but should also be cleaning her own bedroom and doing her own laundry. Tell her to do that and stay out of her room.

If you confront teenagers about things that they don’t want you to know, they will lie. I did! They will also leave home as soon as possible and tell you nothing about their lives. I did that too.

Julie Wasson-Thompson: My mother did the exact same thing to me when I was 13, she found it way underneath the middle of the mattress. It was full of thoughts about a boy I liked. She showed it to my Dad and they both had a go at me. There was nothing in that diary that wasn’t innocent or natural for a young girl growing into a young woman. It was a terrible thing she did and I’ve never been able to forget it. Wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing if I’d ever had a daughter and I’m very careful not to look around my teenage son’s room either, for my own sake, as much as his!