Dear A&E,

My husband wants us to go to a virtual orgy. He started talking about it during lockdown and I thought it was just an isolation itch, but it seems he’s really curious about how it might give our sex life a boost. I don’t think our sex life needs a boost and I’m unconvinced that it will be anything other than embarrassing. We’ve been married for 17 years and now that the children are a little older, he says it’s time to ‘concentrate on us’. But it’s making me anxious

— Unconvinced

Dear Unconvinced,

Seventeen years of marriage, multiple children and one pandemic later, it is totally understandable that the idea of anything that gets in the way of Wordle or wild swimming seems both totally exhausting and anxious-making. You may be thinking, “I’m too tired for this” on a loop. And you may be right, because no one has emerged from this period unscathed so, frankly, to the bruised and cautious, the idea of sexual adventure seems borderline offensive.

But it seems your husband is feeling dynamic. Supercharged, even. Beneath it all he may be in need of reassurance that he has not calcified. That he is not done. We think you can afford to be kind to yourself on this: when he says he wants to give your sex life a boost he hasn’t started with massage oil or racy knickers, he’s gone straight to a virtual orgy. Unconvinced may not be raring to go but neither is a flat, bored “no”.

It can be difficult when one person in a marriage wants to try something that alters the fabric of the life you’ve knitted together. That can be anything from wanting to do the loft to going vegetarian. The other one wants to go “Stop it! We’re absolutely fine as we are. We have enough space and I like sausages.” But something in you knows, Unconvinced, that it is wise to at least hear the other person; to acknowledge their desires. It’s only good news that he’s talking to you about this rather than furiously masturbating halfway into next week in front of porn, or attending virtual orgies on his own, or any other number of things. Well done him for raising it openly and honestly.

As women, this stuff can be very confusing. In her book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Emily Nagoski is very good on how we internalise sexual confusion because of the mixed messages we receive growing up. “We’re raising women to be sexually dysfunctional,” she writes, “with all the ‘no’ messages we’re giving them about diseases and shame and fear. And then as soon as they’re 18 they’re supposed to be sexual rock stars, multi-orgasmic and totally uninhibited. It doesn’t make any sense. None of the things we do in our society prepares women for that.”

We were educated to say “no” to everything from a biscuit to a blow job, to protect our virtue and preserve our femininity. So the suggestion of a “virtual orgy” might just be sending your sexual and even moral compass haywire. But let’s just think about what might happen if you say a tentative “yes”. It might feel embarrassing but as humans we are experts in shutting off our embarrassment radar when it comes to sex because it is rarely a dignified experience.

If no one is getting hurt, everyone is consenting, and no other person is actually in the room then maybe you could dip your toe in the water. It might be arousing or it might just be funny. It might be emphatically not for you, in which case you switch it off. Or you say no because it makes you feel too weird but back this up by clearly communicating how satisfying you find your sex life as it is. How much you want him. How you want him. When you want him. You could use this as an opportunity for your own exploration. We heard of one bonding method whereby both of you put suggestions in a jar and one night each week you have to try whatever is on the paper? Be it “handcuff me to the radiator” or “here is your new identity – meet me in a hotel bar tonight” or “repaint the skirting boards”.

Listen, we are not surprised you are anxious, Unconvinced. But why not go a little of the way and see what happens? Even if you just role play being at that virtual orgy. He’s not saying he’s unhappy, he’s saying, “Look at my wife and I… anything is possible for us… the sky’s the limit.”

As Nagoski says in her book: “Until you spread your wings, you’ll have no idea how far you can walk.”

More from the Midults: 

What readers advised in response to last week’s problem: ‘I fancy a single dad at the school gate – but I’m too shy to ask him out’

Andy Cunningham: Ask him out. As a shy man I’ve found out much later there were a few wonderful girls and ladies that fancied me, I had no idea. OK now though, thanks.

Sara Well: Don’t ask him out. If he turned you down, there may be many different reasons for this, it would be embarrassing for you both and could dent your own confidence while you are only just post divorce.

Be yourself, appropriately friendly and funny, subtlety drop a hint or two and if he’s interested, he’ll ask you.