With the Prime Minister away in the Gulf, attempting to end the West’s addiction to Russian oil and gas by replacing it with Saudi oil and gas, the Tories and Labour had recourse to the subs bench for this week’s PMQs. 

Step forward Dominic Raab and Angela Rayner. What followed was a pitched battle every bit as chalk-and-cheese as the weekly tussle between Boris Johnson and Sir Keir Starmer.

Whereas Ms Rayner had arrived in her slapstick panto mode, Mr Raab appeared pink-faced and faintly harassed. He exuded the air of the long-suffering customer service manager doing his best to remain polite, despite the shouty lady ranting about her coupon not working. 

And while the Deputy Prime Minister had gone for the universal young Tory uniform – a faintly shiny blue suit – the deputy Labour leader had plumped for head-to-toe black, with a pair of Dr Martens and her hair bouncing in ringlets worthy of a newly-bereaved Victorian waif after a long night in curl-papers. This was a clash of diametric opposites: Rocker vs Mod, Steampunk Angie vs Foxtons estate agent.

Groans over ‘lazy comments’

The Speaker announced that four members of the Ukrainian parliament were sitting in the viewing gallery. A couple of backbenchers leapt up eagerly, expecting another Commons standing ovation, though none was forthcoming this time.

Ms Rayner went in combatively on the happy news that Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe had been released from jail in Iran. She demanded an official review into mistakes made and whether the Prime Minister’s “lazy comments had worsened the situation”. The Tory MPs groaned.

At first, Mr Raab reverted to his best customer service voice and a veneer of mandarin politeness. “I can tell the Honourable Lady… that we have done absolutely everything that we can,” he began gallantly enough before suddenly putting the boot in. “She shouldn’t give succour to the despotic regime… by suggesting it’s anyone else’s fault.”

“YEAHHHHH!” snarled the Tory benches. Undeterred, Ms Rayner moved onto energy and the Prime Minister’s Gulf trip. 

“Is their only plan…” she said, twirling her head and pouting like Violet Elizabeth Bott, “…to keep on begging?”

“Frankly, I think she should know better,” rumbled Mr Raab, the menacing tough guy of the lower fifth attempting, somewhat unconvincingly, to assume a head boy gravitas.

Ghost of Corbyn Past

Yet the Ghost of Corbyn Past loomed large over this week’s PMQs. Pretty much any question about the Tories’ past record triggered a satirical mention of the Honourable Member for Islington North; “a man who…” said Mr Raab, “…talked about abolishing the Army, pulling out of Trident – she voted for that!”

“Labour government increased our Army support!” bellowed Ms Rayner.

“No, you didn’t!” howled the Tory backbenchers, who carped like trained seals at every opportunity. 

“Boring!” they cried, when Ms Rayner tried to bring up “partygate”. 

“Barry!” they yelled, referencing Barry Gardiner’s Beijing piggy bank, at a mention of Russian cash.

Yet some MPs looked bored in as if they were in double history class. Desmond Swayne, the Tory MP for New Forest West, assumed a permanent facepalm position. Labour’s David Lammy refreshed his Twitter feed yet again. 

Exit stage left?

Then, without warning, the Speaker snapped, lecturing Mr Raab for taking refuge in the previous Labour government’s follies and “going back 12 years as a defence mechanism”. Under the circumstances (Ms Rayner opening with whiskery material from 2015), it could only be described as a Bercowish brain-fade from the usually even-handed Speaker.

Labour’s Matt Western had rather more luck than his shadow deputy leader. “What first attracted the Prime Minister to the billionaire Russian oligarchs?” he said slyly, in copybook Mrs Merton style. 

Mr Raab blundered into the trap. “The Prime Minister is… a very social individual,” he began, as the opposition fell about, slapping their thighs in performative mirth.

What on earth did the Ukrainian MPs make of their trip to this Grendel’s Mother of Parliaments, I wondered? They wisely melted away from the mead hall after 20 minutes.